Anything That Costs You Your Peace Is Too Expensive
Being diagnosed with cancer at the age of 33, robbed me of every bit of peace and sense of security that I had. Every bit of my life, three decades of hard work, and all of my hopes and dreams with my wife and two young children were suddenly up in the air every month, dependent on that next round of scans coming back clear, and no new evidence of disease. Anything external to this terrible life experience that was costing me on top of that, was just too expensive for me to keep around, period.
Being diagnosed with cancer at the age of 33, robbed me of every bit of peace and sense of security that I had. Every bit of my life, three decades of hard work, and all of my hopes and dreams with my wife and two young children were suddenly up in the air every month, dependent on that next round of scans coming back clear, and no new evidence of disease. Cancer stripped me bare, leaving me feeling naked, and vulnerable. It's tough to convey in words just how distressing such a life experience can be unless you've been there in some way, and you just know.
Anything external to this terrible life experience that was costing me on top of that, was just too expensive for me to keep around, period. I needed to be able to look you in the eyes, to peer into your soul, and just know that you were right for me, and the right soul to have in my life at that time, no exceptions granted. I had to push people away that I actually loved and cared about, because when you have a scan coming up, and there's strange things going on in your body, and you have two young children at home, I have neither the time nor the energy to worry about you, what you meant by that, your intentions, or anything else. There can't be any questions. Something or someone has to either be able to bring peace to my life, or be something that can help me find it myself. Nothing less would do. If you weren't something like that to me, you simply had no place in my life at the time. It doesn't mean that I didn't love you, it doesn't mean that I didn't care about you, or that it didn't hurt to say goodbye.
Ridding my life of negative or toxic influences helped cleared the way for others that could help buoy me, and help me find peace in my time of need. I needed to be saved, but you have to be willing to save yourself first.
StevePake.com
Related: When Facebook becomes toxic: "I Miss When People Just Posted About Cats"
One Of The Most Courageous Decisions You'll Ever Make Is To Let Go Of What Is Hurting You
t's bad enough to have sources of pain in our lives as it is, but cancer will push you far beyond your limits, without mercy. It doesn't matter if it's a thing, a belief, an attitude, or a person that's hurting you. You have to put yourself first, love and care for yourself first, and find the courage to let go of other sources of pain in our lives.
It's bad enough to have sources of pain in our lives as it is, but cancer will push you far beyond your limits, without mercy. It doesn't matter if it's a thing, a belief, an attitude, or a person that's hurting you. You have to put yourself first, love and care for yourself first, and find the courage to let go of other sources of pain in your lives. We're creatures of habit. We stick with what we know, even when it might be causing us tremendous amounts of pain. The lowest point of my life came when I had been in so much pain from cancer related demons inside of me, that I had contemplated suicide as a means to an end. That was the wakeup call that I needed, and the point when I gained the courage to clear the decks, because I was dying inside spiritually, and needed to save myself.
I've told people that I had genuinely cared about to not ever speak to me again, because they had been hurting me, and have quietly walked away from or distanced myself from others. I've uprooted beliefs, attitudes, and philosophies about life, and have developed entirely new routines, and new friendships. There isn't much that I haven't changed in my life since cancer became a part of it. I just wanted to be happy again, and to find peace. I might look similar on the outside, but I'm an entirely new person on the inside today. It takes courage to confront cancer, and it takes even more courage to make so many changes in our lives in response. After years of continually evolving, letting go of the old and embracing the new, I've finally found that inner peace and happiness that I'd been in search of for so long, five years after my cancer diagnosis.
Evolving takes not only courage, but time as well.
StevePake.com
Soulmates Aren't Always About Love
Soulmate friends are people that can just connect with me and get me in a way that others don't, or those that are a perfect complement and have been exactly what I've needed them to be. They're people that have helped me understand myself and grow, and those that have helped me laugh, forget, and heal.
How lucky and blessed am I to not just be married to an incredibly beautiful woman who is a soulmate to me in every sense, but to also have friends in my life who have been soulmates as well. Soulmate friends are people that can just connect with me and get me in a way that others don't, or those that are a perfect complement and have been exactly what I've needed them to be. They're people that have helped me understand myself and grow, and those that have helped me laugh, forget, and heal.
I've felt very soulful bonds towards both male and female friends through these years of struggle after cancer, and some of those friends just happen to be very beautiful women as well. I've been hesitant to write about just how powerfully I've felt towards friends like these, because I've feared it being misinterpreted as romantic or sexual in nature by those who have not known the terrible darkness that I have, and the light that these friends represented in my time of need. It's not about gender, or faces, or bodies, or sex. It transcends all of that, and is the deepest and most soulful love and appreciation that one can have for other beautiful beings of this world, who just happened to appear and be exactly what you needed, at the precise moment that you were most in need.
I was so lost for awhile. These friends of mine helped me to become found again. There is no greater love and appreciation that one can have, and it is a great blessing to feel this energy and influence in my life every day.
StevePake.com
Life's Short - Spend It With Friends Who Make You Laugh and Feel Loved
As a cancer survivor, I've felt so afraid, threatened, and vulnerable, and that my time might be cut short. It's been so important for me to make the most of every moment, and to spend time with those that just help me feel good, that can make me laugh, and help me forget.
As a cancer survivor, I've felt so afraid, threatened, and vulnerable, and that my time might be cut short. It's been so important for me to make the most of every moment, and to spend time with those that just help me feel good, that can make me laugh, and help me forget. Cancer raised my bar for friendship through the roof. I need to feel good vibes and positive energy from everyone that I spend time with, and nothing less will do. Cancer flipped my entire world upside down, and part of righting my life has been making a lot of changes in social circles, and with whom I consider to be my friends.
There are those that quietly disappeared from my life, as soon as the words "I have cancer" were mentioned, others who should have been there but weren't, and those whom I cared for or might have even loved, as friends, but just weren't the right people for me, or that I didn't get the right energy from. It's painful to say goodbye and to make changes like these, but cancer is a painful life experience for which you need the strongest support. We have no control over cancer entering our lives, but we do have control over whom we choose to surround ourselves with.
Find the best people for you. They'll make all the difference in the world.
StevePake.com
You're The Author Of Your Life
You're the author of your life. If you're not happy with the chapter you're in, you alone have the power to write something new.
You're the author of your life. If you're not happy with the chapter you're in, you alone have the power to write something new.
We can't change the fact that we had cancer, but we can change so many other things in our life in response. We can change our attitudes, our beliefs, our religious views, our spiritual views, our political views, how we approach our day and our daily routines, our hobbies, whether we exercise or not, our diet, who our friends are and who we associate with, what we do at night, what we do on the weekends, and so many other things. Now, ask me what I've changed in response to cancer and all of its ugly aftermath in order to thrive again? ALL OF THE ABOVE. No stone has been left unturned, and I have changed practically every aspect of my life in response to cancer.
How would my life be today had I not evolved and made so many changes? Not in the GOOD place I've made for myself today, that's for certain. Cancer changes every aspect of our lives. You have to makes changes in your lifeto evolve beyond it.
StevePake.com
Don't Count The Days - Make The Days Count
"Don't count the days. Make the days count." - A couple of years ago, I couldn't stop being afraid of cancer, and every morning I woke up so afraid. I had to teach and allow myself to let go of trying to know and worrying about what might happen tomorrow or next month.
"Don't count the days. Make the days count." - A couple of years ago, I couldn't stop being afraid of cancer, and every morning I woke up so afraid. I had to teach and allow myself to let go of trying to know and worrying about what might happen tomorrow or next month. I was so spooked and felt like it was inevitable that my cancer was going to come back, and that my days might be running short. I stopped counting the days, and made each day count. 5 years since cancer, and 3 years since PTSD became a part of my life, and it's been full speed ahead and no looking back ever since.
StevePake.com
You Don't Have To Have It All Figured Out To Move Forward
I'm a Scorpio. I have to know everything, and have to have all of the answers, but cancer presented me with questions that I just couldn't ever know the answer to. Will I be okay? Am I going to live or die? Will I live long enough to see my children grow up? This isn't how life works.
I'm a Scorpio. I have to know everything, and have to have all of the answers, but cancer presented me with questions that I just couldn't ever know the answer to. Will I be okay? Am I going to live or die? Will I live long enough to see my children grow up? This isn't how life works. There are no certainties, and we can never know such things. Not being able to know things like this broke me inside, and from that darkness I simply learned to cherish and enjoy every single day that I've had. It's okay to not know, but don't let that stop you from moving forward in life.
StevePake.com
Sometimes What You Are Most Afraid of Doing Is The Very Thing That Will Set You Free
Human beings are creatures of habit. We stick with what we know, even when it's hurting us, or even causing us tremendous amounts of pain. It's only when the pain that we experience finally far exceeds our fear of the unknown, that we cast ourselves off, and this is exactly what it looks and feels like to do.
I've been waiting for awhile to use this one, and today just seemed like an entirely appropriate day. Human beings are creatures of habit. We stick with what we know, even when it's hurting us, or even causing us tremendous amounts of pain. It's only when the pain that we experience finally far exceeds our fear of the unknown, that we cast ourselves off, and this is exactly what it looks and feels like to do.
I've had to completely reboot my life several times as a cancer survivor, because I needed to thrive, and couldn't bear the pain that I had been feeling inside anymore. I didn't know what was next, nor even where I might land, just that I needed to go in a new direction.
Yes, jumping off like this caused periods of tremendous uncertainty, but I eventually found my way, established new routines, new relationships, and new ways of living. My post-cancer inner world is calm today. I'm no longer living in fear or dealing with anxiety, nor am I suffering from post traumatic stress any longer. I'm truly at peace. This has been invaluable to me, and you can't put a price on peace of mind. Jumping off of a cliff might have looked crazy, foolish, and stupid to others, but I was doing what was right for me, and it's what set me free.
This isn't even really a #Brexit post, but you know it could have been.😉 I'm not judging it one way or the other, but it's the same human nature in play, just about something other than cancer. It takes courage, and I get it, and I admire it, and wish everyone the best of luck weather you're dealing with a major political decision, or a personal or health related one.
StevePake.com
You Will Find What You Look For, So Look For Something Wonderful
A silver lining is a consolation prize, or something that's second best. Why settle, I told her? If you're going so far as to try to find a silver lining, why not just try to find a golden one? So long as your hearts and your minds are fully open, you'll find what you're looking for, so why not try to find something even better?
I was chatting with a friend of mine last year, who found herself caught up in a terrible life situation not relating to health, and was struggling to deal with it all and find meaning in it. She was trying to find a silver lining in her situation, but I've never liked that way of thinking. A silver lining is a consolation prize, or something that's second best. Why settle, I told her? If you're going so far as to try to find a silver lining, why not just try to find a golden one? So long as your hearts and your minds are fully open, you'll find what you're looking for, so why not try to find something even better?
As much hell and misery and turmoil that having cancer as a young adult has brought into my life, there are elements of it that have been absolutely stunningly beautiful, and humanity at its finest. I see the beauty just in life and living, and every single day. So much of it was there all along, but unnoticed. Nothing is taken for granted anymore, and I love and appreciate everything. If it took so much sorrow and suffering in my life to gain this ability, is that not a great gift, and a golden lining? I choose to see it as such. Happy Friday!
StevePake.com
Once You Learn How To Be Happy, You Won't Tolerate Being Around People Who Make You Feel Anything Less
Do you have any idea how hard I've had to work to find happiness through the chaos and turmoil that cancer had brought into my life? I'm not just "happy" in my life today by accident. I've had to work on it for years, working through layer upon layer of pain, and rooting out the demons within me at every level.
Do you have any idea how hard I've had to work to find happiness through the chaos and turmoil that cancer had brought into my life? I'm not just "happy" in my life today by accident. I've had to work on it for years, working through layer upon layer of pain, and rooting out the demons within me at every level. The self-doubt, the depression, the anxiety, the post traumatic stress, I had to work hard through all of it to get where I am today. Cancer as a disease of my body left me a long time ago, but it still persisted within me as a disease of my mind for many years after, haunting me, and constantly trying to bring me down. Mental health problems after cancer are so common, and such a burden to work through. Many people don't even know where to begin, and suffer for years.
I had just been chatting with a friend, trying to understand why I've had absolutely no desire to be even the least bit social with a particular circle of friends as of late. They're not bad people, and I don't dislike any of them. I just feel indifference, but indifference is less than happiness, and thus my complete lack of desire to engage at all. We feel like our lives are on a short clocks as cancer survivors. I need people in my life that I can have deep and meaningful bonds with, and/or just feel positive energy and good vibes from. I have no interest in anything less than that, and it's as simple as that! 👍 Literally it's not them, it's me. My bar is just so much higher than it ever used to be. #itsnotyouitsme
StevePake.com
If "Plan A" didn't work, keep your cool; the Alphabet has 25 more letters
Cancer is a whole new reality, a whole new set of life circumstances, and a whole new set of challenges to adjust to that requires growth, change, and evolution. Chances are, you're NOT going to get everything right the first time, and that's okay. Keep retooling and readjusting your life until you have the right people, the right approach, and the right philosophy for life that can take you to the next level.
Cancer is a whole new reality, a whole new set of life circumstances, and a whole new set of challenges to adjust to that requires growth, change, and evolution. Chances are, you're NOT going to get everything right the first time, and that's okay. Keep retooling and readjusting your life until you have the right people, the right approach, and the right philosophy for life that can take you to the next level.
From "Five Years Ago Today", still on the front page of my website, or go to StevePake.com > Archives > February 14th, 2016.
"I'm not the same person that I was five years ago. I’ve crashed and burned to the ground hard three times in these past five years, not just from the shock of a cancer diagnosis as a young adult, but from all of the struggles to evolve and grow into life after cancer. That’s three times since being diagnosed with cancer, that I've felt completely shattered and broken inside, and have had to give up so much of what I'd believed about life, and start over. One doesn't simply do an about face on decades of programming and expectations about life in an instant. It takes time measured in years to heal and evolve, to slowly let go of the old, and to finally grow into our post-cancer realities."
Plan A is long since gone for me, and I'm not even on Plan B, C, or D anymore. I think this is more like Plan E or F for me. If something isn't working out, let it go without apology, and keep adjusting and recalibrating your life until you feel whole and complete. You don't have to apologize to anybody for making changes in your life. The only person in this world walking in your shoes, and living your reality, is you.
StevePake.com
You Have The Right To Grow Without Apology
Cancer is an entirely new reality and set of life circumstances. There's absolutely nothing that says you have to keep being the same person that you always were.
Cancer is an entirely new reality and set of life circumstances. There's absolutely nothing that says you have to keep being the same person that you always were. Thriving after cancer means growth, change, and evolution. You have the right to grow as a person in order to overcome what you're facing in life, and you don't need to apologize to anybody for doing so.
I'm fast approaching five years cancer free, and I've continued to grow and evolve so much even in the past year. It's not cancer that's forced me to evolve so much, but the demons it left inside of me that did. I'm a completely different, and far better person today than I've ever been.
StevePake.com
Leave, Change, or Accept - All Else Is Madness
I've written volumes on my website about the struggles I've faced as a cancer survivor and all that's challenged me. I can neither leave this situation, nor have I ever been willing to accept some things about it. All I've ever been able to do is CHANGE, to grow, and to evolve.
I've written volumes on my website about the struggles I've faced as a cancer survivor and all that's challenged me. I can neither leave this situation, nor have I ever been willing to accept some things about it. All I've ever been able to do is CHANGE, to grow, and to evolve. I'm not the same person that I was before cancer, nor am I even the same person I was immediately after my cancer fight. As I look back on five years of cancer survivorship, I can see three major periods of time where I crashed and burned to the ground hard, but then experienced tremendous growth and evolution afterwards as I had finally let go of the old, and embraced the new. Change is hard, but it's been the only way forward for me.
StevePake.com
No Matter How Slow You Go, You Are Still Lapping Everybody On The Couch
This was me at the gym this morning! But you know what, I still feel awesome mentally and physically despite a crappy workout. Exercise has been my cure-all for the past few years.
This was me at the gym this morning! But you know what, I still feel awesome mentally and physically despite a crappy workout. Exercise has been my cure-all for the past few years. Anxiety? Go for a run. Depressed? Go for a run. Feel like crap physically? Go for a run, or even just a walk if it's all you can do. Every single time, I've always felt a ton better physically and mentally after getting a good workout in. You don't have to set any records, and you're not competing with anybody else. Run, walk, cycle, lift weights, or even beat the hell out of a punching bag. Doesn't matter. Just get up and get moving. That's all you have to do.
StevePake.com
The Highest Form of Ignorance Is When You Reject Something You Don't Know Anything About
I love every single comment I get about my writing, including the occasional backfires. I knew when writing "PTSD After Cancer Part III" that I would catch some flak from somewhere for mentioning faith and spiritual beliefs as a way of healing, and I was right.
I love every single comment I get about my writing, including the occasional backfires. I knew when writing "PTSD After Cancer Part III" that I would catch some flak from somewhere for mentioning faith and spiritual beliefs as a way of healing, and I was right. The funny thing is that I myself had rejected faith as a way of healing previously. I had been closed to it, and even politely declined a few friends who had invited me into their churches. I didn't need it. Religion, and especially organized religion, wasn't what I was looking for. I made a lot of progress on my own, but could never seem to heal completely, and I'd have done anything to end the pain that I continued to feel inside even years after cancer. I was just tired of continuing to hurt from this. It was completely reversing course on faith, and developing an independent set of spiritual beliefs and going all in on them, that finally managed to heal me completely.
I'm not saying that anyone is right or wrong. This is an independent journey, and we all have to find our own ways. The only thing I'm saying is to keep an open mind. See my last post about needing to completely rearrange our lives, and getting out of our comfort zones. Faith was something that hadn't been a part of my life before, but that needed to be after cancer, that I only realized after 4 years. I wish I had realized this before, as it could have spared me quite a bit of internal suffering. Finally allowing myself faith and something to believe in beyond our physical existence tamed my mind, and took the wind right out of the sails of all of my inner fears. I'm truly in awe of the power of our own beliefs. Had my mind still been closed, I'd likely still be afraid, and still hurting inside today. Instead my mind is free and at peace. Always keep an open mind. What you reject today, could end up being your cure tomorrow.
StevePake.com
If You Want To Grow, Get Outside Of Your Comfort Zone
All of these fit together. Especially as young adults, cancer turns our lives upside down. Not all of the elements of life as we knew it before cancer, "BC", are going to fit into our new post-cancer lives. In order to thrive again, that means making changes in our lives.
All of these fit together. Especially as young adults, cancer turns our lives upside down. Not all of the elements of life as we knew it before cancer, "BC", are going to fit into our new post-cancer lives. In order to thrive again, that means making changes in our lives. New friends, new routines, new approaches to life, new philosophies, and even new religions. Trying new things means going outside of your comfort zones by nature, and that's ok. You might have to let go of some of the old, to embrace the new. It's all a part of finding that "new normal". You don't have to know what you're looking for. Just keep an open mind and keep on looking, and maybe you'll find something far greater than you could have possibly imagined.
StevePake.com
Strength Doesn't Come From What You Can Do, It Comes From Overcoming The Things You Once Thought You Couldn't
Sunday inspiration. We're so much stronger than we believe we are. There's a popular expression of doubt, "I'll believe it when I see it." The late Wayne Dyer wrote a book titled the reverse of that, "You'll see it when you believe it" about the power of our minds to transform our lives.
Sunday inspiration. We're so much stronger than we believe we are. There's a popular expression of doubt, "I'll believe it when I see it." The late Wayne Dyer wrote a book titled the reverse of that, "You'll see it when you believe it" about the power of our minds to transform our lives. For years after cancer, I struggled physically, mentally, and spiritually, but never stopped believing in myself, and always found ways to heal and overcome no matter what I was facing. One of the most important lessons I've learned in 5 years of cancer survivorship are the powers of belief, and to never stop believing in yourself. You CAN do it. You just have to believe.
StevePake.com
People Will Never Truly Understand Something Until It Happens To Them
Some of my nearest and dearest friends, people who've been named or pictured in some of my blogs and have been along for this ride with me in various ways, have said that they can't possibly understand or even imagine what this has been like to go through.
Some of my nearest and dearest friends, people who've been named or pictured in some of my blogs and have been along for this ride with me in various ways, have said that they can't possibly understand or even imagine what this has been like to go through.
God bless them for that, but I try, and we all should. It's only through a broader understanding of the challenges we face, and what our lives are really like as cancer survivors, that care and support for all of us will improve. This is a good problem to have. A generation ago, so many of us wouldn't even be here today, but instead would have died "after a long illness". There were no cures back then. It's a blessing to be alive today, but they're not easy lives to live. So many of us have numerous and significant challenges that we face in our lives after cancer. Bear your hearts, share your stories, and help that broader understand of the plight of cancer survivors come to fruition. We can make it happen.
StevePake.com
You Either Get Bitter, Or You Get Better
I can't change the fact that I had cancer. I can't change the fact that it wrecked me in so many ways physically, mentally, and spiritually. But I can control how I respond to being wrecked, and keep getting back up again. :)
I can't change the fact that I had cancer. I can't change the fact that it wrecked me in so many ways physically, mentally, and spiritually. But I can control how I respond to being wrecked, and keep getting back up again. :) You can't control what life might throw at you, all you can control is how you respond and your attitude. Keep getting up, keep trying new things, and keep going in new directions, until you find a way to overcome and thrive, no matter how extraordinary. "Your attitude is everything, and is a self-fulfilling prophecy. No matter what it is that you’re facing, if you believe in yourself with all of your heart and soul and believe that you’ll find a way to cope, to heal, or to overcome, you’ll find that way no matter how difficult. If you don’t believe in yourself, not only will you not find what you need, but you’ll prolong your own suffering and pain. Never give up, never stop believing in yourself, and keep your heart and your mind open. Surround yourself with positive and uplifting people that believe in you too, who can help to carry you during the times you might stumble."
StevePake.com
Rock Bottom Became The Foundation On Which I Rebuilt My Life
Just short of two years after my cancer diagnosis, I hit rock bottom. A friend of mine had died of his cancer, other friends were experiencing recurrences of theirs, I had strange things going on with my body, and thought for sure that my cancer had returned. I feared that I had just lived my last good days, and that I was going to die.
Just short of two years after my cancer diagnosis, I hit rock bottom. A friend of mine had died of his cancer, other friends were experiencing recurrences of theirs, I had strange things going on with my body, and thought for sure that my cancer had returned. I feared that I had just lived my last good days, and that I was going to die. There were so many bad omens in the world, and I felt surrounded by death. Someone that I had thought was a friend completely betrayed my friendship and my trust, and I didn't even know who my friends were anymore, when I needed them the most. I was hurting so badly inside from the terrible trials that life after cancer was putting me through, that I cried every single day for a month. I didn't even know why I was hurting as badly as I was, how I even needed to live my life, nor who my friends even were.
I had hit rock bottom. But it was from this point, at rock bottom, on which I rebuilt my life. Completely new routines, new or existing friends that I brought closer who could truly connect with me in the ways that I needed, and help to mentor and guide me, and new philosophies on which to live my life and approach my days. It was from this point, at rock bottom, that true healing after cancer finally began, and on which the foundation was laid that I'm able to thrive today.
StevePake.com