Yesterday, a friend told me that an old friend of hers from high school just lost her 25 year old son to testicular cancer. He was diagnosed hardly a week ago, but the cancer was so far advanced that there was nothing that could be done, and he just passed away this week. Sigh. 💔
We ALL live in this world, where people that you love and care about today can be gone tomorrow in the blink of an eye, and without warning. It's not right and it's not fair, but it's how life really is. I've been here in a way, feeling like my own death was imminent not just once but several times. Luckily I'm still here, but I'll never get that innocence about life back again. It's a part of me that died. Other things have grown in its place, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss it. What I wouldn't give at times to just feel like forever is really going to be forever again, and to have that peace and certainty inside of me again. But I know that I can never have that again in this lifetime, and that maybe I wasn't meant to have that.
Six years after my cancer fight, I still GRIEVE the loss of my life as I once knew it sometimes, thinking that everything would always be okay, that my family would always be healthy, and friends that I truly love and care about will always be around. I want to believe that, but know it's just now how things work. Why do I get so sappy and emotional? Because I love you, and I want you to know that now, today, because I know that you might not be around tomorrow, or maybe I'm the one that might not be around. Ask me one thing that I feared during the times I felt like I was dying. Things that were left unsaid. How do I find peace today? By leaving nothing unsaid.
I'm turning 40 in October, and for years after my cancer diagnosis at the age of 33, this was just a pipe dream. I never thought I'd make it. I figured out why I'm so restless this year. It's because there's a part of my subconscious mind that still believes that, and that maybe my day is still coming soon. And how do I know that it isn't? That innocence is gone forever, and the persistent feeling of vulnerability remains.
Six years later I'm still spooked by this. I can feel that fear deep inside of me, but I'm at peace with it all. It's what drives me and pushes me forward, and sometimes we need that. Even as a cancer thriver, you might still be afraid. How else do I find peace in my life? By channeling this energy into meaningful things. Make each day count for something. Be a part of something larger. Create something of your own. The best way to live when you feel like life might be catching up with you again, is to never waste a moment! The best way to survive cancer is to LIVE! Get out there and make today happen!
Here's to SURVIVORSHIP!