Anything That Costs You Your Peace Is Too Expensive


Being diagnosed with cancer at the age of 33, robbed me of every bit of peace and sense of security that I had. Every bit of my life, three decades of hard work, and all of my hopes and dreams with my wife and two young children were suddenly up in the air every month, dependent on that next round of scans coming back clear, and no new evidence of disease. Cancer stripped me bare, leaving me feeling naked, and vulnerable. It's tough to convey in words just how distressing such a life experience can be unless you've been there in some way, and you just know.

Anything external to this terrible life experience that was costing me on top of that, was just too expensive for me to keep around, period. I needed to be able to look you in the eyes, to peer into your soul, and just know that you were right for me, and the right soul to have in my life at that time, no exceptions granted. I had to push people away that I actually loved and cared about, because when you have a scan coming up, and there's strange things going on in your body, and you have two young children at home, I have neither the time nor the energy to worry about you, what you meant by that, your intentions, or anything else. There can't be any questions. Something or someone has to either be able to bring peace to my life, or be something that can help me find it myself. Nothing less would do. If you weren't something like that to me, you simply had no place in my life at the time. It doesn't mean that I didn't love you, it doesn't mean that I didn't care about you, or that it didn't hurt to say goodbye.

Ridding my life of negative or toxic influences helped cleared the way for others that could help buoy me, and help me find peace in my time of need. I needed to be saved, but you have to be willing to save yourself first.

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