Rock Bottom Became The Foundation On Which I Rebuilt My Life
Just short of two years after my cancer diagnosis, I hit rock bottom. A friend of mine had died of his cancer, other friends were experiencing recurrences of theirs, I had strange things going on with my body, and thought for sure that my cancer had returned. I feared that I had just lived my last good days, and that I was going to die.
Just short of two years after my cancer diagnosis, I hit rock bottom. A friend of mine had died of his cancer, other friends were experiencing recurrences of theirs, I had strange things going on with my body, and thought for sure that my cancer had returned. I feared that I had just lived my last good days, and that I was going to die. There were so many bad omens in the world, and I felt surrounded by death. Someone that I had thought was a friend completely betrayed my friendship and my trust, and I didn't even know who my friends were anymore, when I needed them the most. I was hurting so badly inside from the terrible trials that life after cancer was putting me through, that I cried every single day for a month. I didn't even know why I was hurting as badly as I was, how I even needed to live my life, nor who my friends even were.
I had hit rock bottom. But it was from this point, at rock bottom, on which I rebuilt my life. Completely new routines, new or existing friends that I brought closer who could truly connect with me in the ways that I needed, and help to mentor and guide me, and new philosophies on which to live my life and approach my days. It was from this point, at rock bottom, that true healing after cancer finally began, and on which the foundation was laid that I'm able to thrive today.
StevePake.com
The Secrets to Getting Great Photos
All of my secrets are here. :)
I recently gave a quick presentation about photography to a neighborhood Girl Scout Troop, who were earning their digital photography badge. I brought in a small collection of favorite photos over the past few years, and thought I might talk a little bit about each one. Umm, well, lets just say that I don't think they were really quite at that level yet, so after I saw the eyes glazing over I just handed them my little Canon Rebel T2i with a 50mm lens attached to it, and suddenly they were super excited and went to town with it! 😂 They did have some good questions, so here were a few of them
What makes a great photo?
There has to be some "wow factor" to the photo. A gorgeous scene when the lighting is ideal, or capturing something at precisely the right moment, with the perfect expression. There's a saying that a great photo is great even at thumbnail size. Although technical image quality is important to a degree, it's more about what you, the artist, can imagine and capture with whatever camera you happen to have.
How much does it cost to make a good photo?
Photography is one of those things where you can spend as much or as little as you want. There's absolutely no reason why you can't take just an iPhone, and come back with tons of great photos from a vacation. It's not my style, but I've seen it done! Phone cameras have evolved to the point that they're pretty darned good, and it's a fact that highly competent phone cameras have pretty much put the compact camera market, and even cameras stores for that matter, darn near out of business. That said, larger dedicated camera, especially ones with interchangeable lenses, offer a lot more capability, far more artistic freedom as far as getting different types of photos, and different looks to your photos. If all you've got is a phone camera, it won't stop you from making tons of great photos. But yes, you can do a whole lot more with more advanced cameras systems.
What would you say is the best camera to use when taking a picture?
This was an excellent question, and it's one that even many advanced photographers struggle with. The answer comes in a few parts. First, the best camera to use is the one you have with you. If you don't have a camera with you at all, you're not going to get any photos. Cameras and lenses come in all sizes, shapes, and weights. The most advanced professional cameras and lenses in the land that are capable of the highest technical image quality, are also likely to be huge and weigh a ton. You might not want to carry such a camera system around with you everywhere, in which case, what will you take photos with? Your phone? If that's all you have or are willing to carry around with you, then a phone is the best camera to use! If you want more capabilities than what a phone offers, then you can certainly get it, but you have to be willing to lug it around with you. So there are tradeoffs to be made.
If you're at the zoo and want to get a photo of the lions or pandas, you'll certainly be able to get a photo with your phone, if that's all you have or are willing to carry, but it might not be the photo that you want. Ideally, the best camera to use is the one that you have with you and are willing to carry around with you, and that will get the types of photos that you want. An interchangeable lens camera with a telephoto zoom lens on it will obviously get better photos at the zoo than your phone will. So long as you're willing to tote such a camera system and lenses around with you most places, such that you can actually use it to take photos, that will be the best camera for you. You have to ask yourself what types of photos you want, what types of cameras and lenses will be capable of getting you those photos, and is the size and weight such that you'd actually be willing to carry such a system around with you most of the time, to get your money's worth out of such an investment.
This is all you need to get started making awesome photos!
The last point, especially for beginners, is that the best camera to use has to be one that you can actually afford. Here's a little secret. You don't need to save up for a year to get the latest Canon Rebel T6i for the better part of a thousand dollars, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with the few years old Rebel T2i that I let the Girl Scouts play with, and which you can buy from used camera dealers or eBay for under $300 with a lens! Digital camera technology reached what most people would consider maturity more than a few years ago now, where even the basic level cameras had more than enough performance to do whatever you might want to do. But hobbyists keep upgrading for the sake of upgrading, which means you can score these dirt cheap used camera bodies for next to nothing. You can save a whole ton of money by buying used! The best camera to use is the one you can afford and start making great photos with today, rather than the one you'd have to save a year for to get.
Now, onto making great photos! :)
Timing
William chasing his remote control Lamborghini. Check out his expression, and the fact that his legs are both in the air and surrounding his car. This was the perfect look and the perfect timing. :) Canon 7D Mark II and 100-400mm lens.
Timing can mean a lot of things in photography, but in the context of portraiture, you want to capture people in the midst of doing something at exactly the right moment, where they have the perfect expression, or they're at the perfect arc of a motion. Having a high-speed camera like a Canon 7D Mark II that shoots at 10 frames per second is a luxury that makes things easier, but it doesn't mean that you can't practice a bit and perfectly time your photos with a slower shooting camera that might only do a few frames per second. And it goes without saying that the first time a child is ever doing anything new, you need to have your camera out! That's when they'll be the most excited, and you'll get the very best photos!
Katie trying to fly with a set of wings. She's at maximum height and mid-stride, and her wings look just about perfect. Canon 7D Mark II and 100-400mm lens.
The "WillKat Classic". Canon 5D Mark II and 70-200mm f/4L lens. This was the first time William took Katie down a steep driveway in his Jeep. He was excited, she was terrified, and this photo is truly priceless! These expressions came and went in a moment. Timing is everything.
Lighting
For landscape photography, the most important thing to understand is that the period of time when the light is golden and will perfectly illuminate a scene, or those peak colors at sunset, might only last a minute if not for just a few seconds. The best time to get landscape photos are typically in the morning during sunrise, or in the evenings during sunset, when the sun is at low angles, and its golden light illuminates everything so nicely. During midday, the light from the sun is the harshest and tends to wash out the color from landscape scenes, which doesn't make for nearly as nice photos. So the time for the best light and resulting photos tends to be a bit inconvenient, also! You might have to get up extra early in the morning, or plan your dinner around when sunset or that ideal twilight lighting might be.
Paris in October 2006, with a Nikon D80 and an 18-55mm kit lens, 1 second exposure on a tripod. I had bought my Nikon D80 not even a month before, which was my first DSLR camera.
5 minutes before, the light wasn't nearly as nice.
5 minutes later, it had already faded!
Sometimes, the light doesn't cooperate with you, and you have to create your own light. Getting good people photos in the middle of the day can be a big challenge as well, as the high angle of the sun tends to create very deep shadows on people's faces. This is what fill flash is for! Flash photography isn't just for dark locations, it's for bright ones as well, when you need to use your flash for fill lighting to help overpower the shadows.
Canon 7D Mark II and 10-18mm ultra-wide lens, with critical pop-up flash for fill lighting. You can see the reflection of the flash in my wife's sunglasses. See the shadows on everyone's faces? They'd have been much darker and the photo wouldn't have looked nearly as good without using the pop-up flash for fill lighting in bright conditions with deep shadows.
Location and Perspective
Needless to say, it helps to have an interesting location to take photos from if you want to make great photos, but but having a great location doesn't necessarily mean traveling to far away or exotic lands. You can also change your perspective, and explore photography from the same location but in a different way. Rather than taking an action shot from a distance with a telephoto lens, put yourself right in the middle of the action with an ultra-wide lens, for example. Taking a photo with a waterproof camera right as a wave is crashing down on top of you is certainly an interesting location and perspective from which to take a photo, as opposed to sitting on the beach. Will you get more interesting photos watching a Hindu Holi spring time color festival take place from a distance, or if you're right in the middle of it? My waterproof (and dust proof) Nikon AW1 camera is a very deeply flawed camera in many ways, but I still love it because it allows me to take photos in ways, and from places that I can't take any of my other cameras. It's small, rugged, lightweight, stays out of my way, and goes anyplace that can, including underwater. In spite of its flaws, I get a lot of interesting photos with this camera!
Nikon AW1 at Rehoboth Beach, DE, as a wave came crashing down, with a perfect expression, and water droplets flying everywhere.
The Nikon AW1 does a Hindu color festival!
Nikon AW1 with 6.7-13mm ultra-wide lens, in our back yard. Motion-panned photo at 1/30s.
Nikon AW1 and 6.7-13mm ultra-wide lens taking in the Super Trees and Marina Bay Sands in Singapore at Twilight.
Good Luck and Persistence
Plain old good luck counts, too. Some stunning photographs of the "Yosemite Firefall" phenomena were recently circulated around social media. This is a natural phenomena that only occurs in late February due to the precise angles of the sun that are required to create this effect, and then still only occurs if it's been warm enough for the waterfall to flow due to melting snow, and then only if the western sky is clear for the setting sun to illuminate the falls. If everything comes together perfectly, the falls will illuminate during late-February only, making for a spectacular scene. If you've only got one night in Yosemite and want to capture this, you need good luck for everything to come together when you're there. Otherwise, you need persistence! Sometimes you have to make your own luck, by simply refusing to give up, and getting out there day after day.
And always have your camera with you and ready to go! You never know when you'll just stumble upon something amazing and breathtaking, like a tropical shower with a rainbow in the middle of it, while flying in the middle of the Caribbean! If you don't have your camera with you, or it's not handy, you'll mess spectacular photo opportunities like these.
Mt Rainier is almost never this clear, but the day we were there we lucked out with crystal clear weather. We had an amazing day hiking, and taking in all of the sights and sounds of Mt Rainier National Park with absolutely perfect weather.
A view off of my deck. How many times in nearly 10 years of living where I do had I seen both a rain shower and a sunset at the same time? Twice. And I captured the other one, too!
The famous Pitons in St Lucia, from the Ladera Resort. Lighting, Location, and Perspective are certainly in play here as well! The more things that come together in a photo, the more amazing it will be!
A rainbow in the middle of a tropical shower in the Caribbean from the air, and on our side of the plane. This only lasted a few seconds as we were flying by, and it was spectacular. Always have your camera with you and ready!
The Right Brushes
Portraiture and selective focus with a full-frame Canon 5D Mark II DSLR, and a 135mm f/2L prime lens.
Even the girls in the Girl Scout troop noticed how the background was completely blurred out in this portrait of my son, and asked how you do that. This is called selective focus, and is a matter of the format being used to take the photograph, and then lens physics. The larger the photographic format that you're using, the longer the focal length of the lens, and the larger the lens aperture, the smaller your depth of field will be (area in focus), which is what leads to these eye-popping portraits. This photo was taken with a full-frame Canon 5D Mark II camera (a larger format than most DSLR cameras, which are "half-frame" APS-C format), and I used a longer focal length large aperture prime lens, the Canon 135mm f/2L, which is about the best portrait lens that there is.
You can't get photos like these with a phone camera, or even most compact cameras, which typically use very tiny sensors and are extremely small formats. For portraits like these, you need an interchangeable lens camera system (which are much larger formats in terms of sensor size), and a longer focal length lens, preferably with a fast aperture, in order to achieve the razor thin selective focus required to create a portrait like this. These are the 3D eye-popping photos that I knew I wanted to be able to make before I even bought my first DSLR camera, and I eventually acquired the very best lenses to do this with. The snowflake photo below was also taken with this same Canon 135mm f/2L lens. The idea is to manually focus mid-field somewhere, and at a large aperture (to minimize depth of field), so that you have a razor thin slice of snowflakes coming down that are in focus, with everything else being yanked out of focus.
Canon 7D Mark II and 135mm f/2L lens creating selective focus. Only a very thin layer of snowflakes are in focus, and everything else in front and behind is blurred out of focus.
But you don't need to spend way too much money on high-end photographic gear to get photos like these! The little Canon Rebel T2i with a 50mm f/1.8 lens above is capable of doing the same, and is a great way to get started!
I've been acquiring and buying and selling DSLR camera gear for 10 years now, and I've never had a 400mm lens until now. It's a new focal length to explore, with new artistic possibilities. I've never been able to get detailed moon photos like these, and am loving this new brush in my bag. Super long lenses such as the Canon 100-400mm have also long been a favorite for those into remote controlled hobbies, as the huge zoom range allows for a relatively small object to fill the frame nicely. Want some really nice baby panda photos at the zoo? A super long telephoto lens will have you covered. ;-)
Moonrise, with a Canon 7D Mark II and a Canon 100-400mm lens.
Joint Base Andrews Air Show 2015, Thunderbirds Aerial Demonstration, Canon 7D Mark II and 100-400mm lens
Remote control Lamborghini Murciélago, with a Canon 7D Mark II and Canon 100-400mm lens.
Joint Base Andrews Air Show 2015, F-22 Raptor Aerial Demonstration, Canon 7D Mark II and 100-400mm lens
What's Six Inches Behind the Camera
The thing that matters most of all for getting great photos, is what's six inches behind your camera. That's you! :) It's your vision, and your creativity, and your desire to get to interesting places, or to explore other perspectives, that will drive your ability to make interesting photos. You can spend many thousands of dollars on photography gear, and take nothing but lousy photographs. Your own creativity and artistic vision are what drives everything else! If all you have or use is a phone camera, there's absolutely no reason why you can't get a ton of great photos just with that.
Photo Credit: Natalie L Way, iPhone 6s Plus
My friend Natalie took this photo of her daughter out in the snow with an iPhone, and I thought it was perfect. She's actually a brilliant photographer who has the knack, but her phone is all she ever uses, despite the fact that she has fancier cameras! Merely using an iPhone doesn't stop her from getting great photos. The composition is great, the timing is perfect with the snow being flung, and the lighting was wonderful too, with the sun near setting. A lot of great things all came together in this photo, taken with a mere phone camera!
Similarly, I was at a concert recently, and the only cameras that were allowed were phone cameras. I wished I could have snuck a fancier camera and some nicer lenses in, but I worked with what I had, and it didn't stop me from getting some pretty cool photos. A phone is not what I would consider a proper tool to photograph a dark concert with! But I had a great location above the crowd, paid attention to timing, the lighting, and eventually created a few decent photos through sheer persistence! I actually ran out of memory on my phone, and temporarily deleted a few apps so that I could keep taking more photos!
Run what ya brung! SLAYER concert in Silver Spring, MD taken with just an iPhone 5s. This is a very technically flawed photo, but it's still a pretty cool photo!
Photography is an art. There's no right or wrong answer. It's all about what makes you smile, and what works for you. The possibilities are endless, and the biggest limitation is not the brushes you have to paint with, but with the person holding the brush, their creativity, and what they can imagine.
Happy shooting! #photoglife
Steve
People's Eyes Tell Me More About Them Than Their Mouths
While in such distressed states, I've needed to be able to look someone in their eyes and just know that they're with me, that their hearts and their intentions towards me are pure, and I've needed to feel their strength, their confidence, and their positive energy as my own, because lord knows I've needed every bit of it.
As a cancer survivor, I've had 99 things on my mind, 99 things that have been hurting me, and 99 things that I've needed to heal from. The last thing I've ever needed is something or someone external to that, dragging me down even further. While in such distressed states, I've needed to be able to look someone in their eyes and just know that they're with me, that their hearts and their intentions towards me are pure, and I've needed to feel their strength, their confidence, and their positive energy as my own, because lord knows I've needed every bit of it. I can't have anyone dragging me down. A person's eyes are the windows into their souls. They give it all away. Listen to what your instincts are telling you about people, and use that as your guide to find the people that you need to help pull you through such difficult times, and to discard those that are no good for you. Eyes give it all away.
StevePake.com
You Are The Result of 4 Billion Years of Evolutionary Success - Act Like It
Part of coping with post-traumatic stress after cancer has been my attitude and mindset towards it, and the realization that there is NOTHING wrong with me. PTS is a very normal thing to experience for anyone who's been through traumatic experiences.
Part of coping with post-traumatic stress after cancer has been my attitude and mindset towards it, and the realization that there is NOTHING wrong with me. PTS is a very normal thing to experience for anyone who's been through traumatic experiences. But because PTS is only generically referred to as "PTSD", post-traumatic stress DISORDER, people just assume that there's something wrong with them, are afraid to talk about it, and don't seek the support that they need. We did not come to the position that we're in on our planet because we have poor instincts. We actually have extremely powerful instincts that are always lurking below the surface, and that serve us extremely well. PTS after traumatic events is not what's wrong with you, it's what's RIGHT. Check out my series of essays about PTS/PTSD After Cancer at my website.
StevePake.com
Sometimes You Just Have To Remove People Without Warning
As cancer survivors, we already have 99 things on my mind that are hurting us, that we're worried about, or afraid of. The last thing we need, is something or someone external to that adding to that burden.
As cancer survivors, we already have 99 things on my mind that are hurting us, that we're worried about, or afraid of. The last thing we need, is something or someone external to that adding to that burden. I don't have the time, and don't have the energy. I'm already hurting inside and now you're hurting me too. You just need go. It doesn't mean I hated you, and I might have even loved you. I just couldn't stand to be hurt anymore.
One of the most challenging, painful, and awkward things I've ever had to do as a cancer survivor, is to cut people off. Yes, disrupting personal relationships can be messy, painful, and chaotic, but you'll be so much better off in the end. Not only will you free yourself of additional sources of pain, but your heart and your mind will be open to new opportunities. Not only will you find people that are so much better for you, but you'll find those that can truly add to your life rather than subtract, and life will be so much better better in the end. Never hesitate to axe negative and toxic people out of your life, and there's absolutely no need to apologize, either!
StevePake.com
Five Years Ago Today...
It was five years ago today that I was diagnosed with cancer, and on this day, February 14th, 2016, I’m officially a five year survivor of cancer.
It was five years ago today that I was diagnosed with cancer, and on this day, February 14th, 2016, I’m officially a five year survivor of cancer.
I know that most people will think that something that happened five years ago was an eternity ago, but when you’ve been living with the aftermath of cancer every single day, it was only just yesterday that this happened, the blink of an eye ago. Five years after cancer is a huge milestone to have reached not just from a clinical perspective, but from a personal one as well, as these have been the most challenging years of my life. Just getting through the rigorous twenty-six follow-up appointments that have been required to get to this point has been a story by itself, when your whole life and future is on the line with every scan.
These years after cancer have been a truly humbling experience. Not a single aspect has been easy, and I've struggled in every possible way that one can struggle. My own body had terrified me and frustrated me in so many ways. It took me years just to feel safe in my own skin again, and I had to put everything I had into getting my body back physically. I struggled with my mind, trying to cope with periods of depression from having seen so many changes in my life so suddenly, and with post-traumatic stress from painful memories that had haunted me. I struggled spiritually, trying to find ways to overcome my fears, to release the pain that I had felt inside, and to make peace with the past so that I could keep moving forward in life.
I'm not the same person that I was five years ago. I’ve crashed and burned to the ground hard three times in these past five years, not just from the shock of a cancer diagnosis as a young adult, but from all of the struggles to evolve and grow into life after cancer. That’s three times since being diagnosed with cancer, that I've felt completely shattered and broken inside, and have had to give up so much of what I'd believed about life, and start over. One doesn't simply do an about face on decades of programming and expectations about life in an instant. It takes time measured in years to heal and evolve, to slowly let go of the old, and to finally grow into our post-cancer realities.
There have been some very dark times and some dark moments through these past few years. There was an entire year where I couldn't be around anybody at all, except those that I had the utmost faith and trust in, because I constantly felt so vulnerable and threatened from always being under the gun of relentless scans and follow-up appointments. There were certainly some things that I wished I could have handled better than I did, and not everything worked out quite as I'd hoped, but I know in my heart that I was always doing the very best that I could, even when it wasn't enough. I was very lost for a time, but never lost myself. Instead I found myself, with the help of the right friends, the right people, and the right souls in my life to help guide me, and I've learned and evolved so much. If you haven't known me in the past few years, you're going to have to get to know me all over again.
Being diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer at age 33 was a wake-up call that nothing is forever, and that there are no guarantees in life for anybody. Life after cancer is the time to get busy living, and I've enjoyed life more each year since cancer than I had in all of my previous years combined. That's a whole lot of living and enjoyment of life in a few short years. I love so much more deeply than I ever have, and have learned to never stop believing in yourself. I've come to appreciate the true power of friendships, and the importance of self-love and forgiveness. You can't give to others what you don't have for yourself, and life and our time here is far too precious to waste it holding onto grudges, resentment, and disappointments from the past. I've come to love and appreciate even those that had hurt me in the past. We all have a purpose, and roles to play in each others lives. Every single last person in my life over these past few years has made a difference in mine in ways both large and small that's helped to get me where I am today, even if we were only a part of each other's lives for a short time, and even if we had caused each other pain. We cancer survivors take nothing for granted. Love is good for the soul, and I will forever love and be grateful to those that helped to get me through such a distressing period of my life.
As I reach five years of cancer survivorship, I'm very proud of all that I've achieved, the manner in which I've been able to heal, and the ways in which I've been able to give back. I continue to be active in numerous support groups and non-profit organizations for those fighting cancer today, and the writing that I do has been shared and spread by the most prominent cancer advocacy organizations in the world, helping it to reach hundreds of thousands of people. It's been no small feat to bare my soul to the world in such a way, but doing so has helped me to heal, and has uplifted countless others as well. It's something to be very proud of.
The burden of cancer has been a terrible thing to have to learn to carry as a young adult. My life today is very different than it was before, and so much evolution in a few short years has been beyond painful, but I wouldn't trade all of this personal growth and the new perspective on life that I've gained for anything. This new life that I've built for myself after cancer, complete with all of its unique challenges, has become far more than a consolation prize or silver lining. It's a truly beautiful golden lining that I've finally learned to fully accept and embrace, and I wouldn't have things any other way.
God bless,
Steve Pake
Special thanks to my wife, Debbie. From Day 1 of this journey 5 years ago, you've always been there, have never left my side, have never stopped loving me, and never gave up on me, even when I know there's times you wanted to. You kept going, for me, for us, for our love, and for our family, despite all of the pain and frustration that this has caused both of us. Thanks for having brought so much love and joy into my life, and for never giving up on me. I'm eternally grateful, and forever yours.
Your song to me...
World Cancer Day 2016
#WorldCancerDay 2016. I found my post from last year where I was finally ready to start opening up about my challenges with post-traumatic stress after cancer. I thought it would take a few months to write up, but it ended up taking all year, and I'm still not done.
I found my social media post about World Cancer Day from last year (before this website existed), where I was finally ready to start opening up about my challenges with post-traumatic stress after cancer. I thought it would take a few months to write up, but it ended up taking all year, and I'm still not done. Writing about PTS after cancer is probably one of the hardest, but most worthwhile things I've ever done. Writing is very cathartic for me, and just being able to express all that I've been through helps me to heal from it all. I ended up having so much to say on PTS after cancer, that I had to split it up into three parts. I got through the first two parts last year, and am finally gearing up to start writing the final part in the coming weeks. The moral of the story is that the challenges we face as cancer fighters and survivors don't end after our treatments do, but can continue on for years.
A teaser from something I'm working on, coming out in a week or two:
"Not a single aspect of life after cancer has been easy. I've struggled in every possible way that one can struggle, physically, mentally, and spiritually. My own body has terrified me and frustrated me in so many ways. It took me years just to feel safe in my own skin again, and I've had to put everything I've had into getting my body back physically. It didn’t just “bounce back” as doctors tend to suggest. I've struggled with my mind, trying to cope with periods of depression from having seen so many changes in my life so suddenly, and with post-traumatic stress from painful memories that have haunted me at times. I’ve struggled spiritually, trying to find ways to overcome my fears, to release the pain that I've felt inside, and to make peace with the past so that I could keep moving forward in life. I'm not the same person that I was before."
The changes that I've had to make in my life from fighting mental health issues after cancer such as depression and post-traumatic stress, has shaped my life after cancer just as much if not more than the experience of the physical fight against cancer itself did. I'm happy to say that this is all behind me now. I've mastered my mind, conquered my demons, and have found ways to heal spiritually from all of this. My mind still doesn't always cooperate with me fully, but there's no longer any question about who's in charge.
"PTSD After Cancer Part I - What It Feels Like"
"PTSD After Cancer Part II - Coping and Overcoming"
These essays are not light reading, but if you really want to know the hell that cancer can put you through, give it a read, and please ask anything. This is why I write. The experience of post-traumatic stress after cancer hurt me and haunted me so badly for years, that I couldn't even talk about it. I just couldn't go there, but I needed to release this pain, and am happy that I've finally started getting it out.
When I started experiencing post-traumatic stress after cancer, I scoured the web trying to find information and perspectives, but couldn't find one single solid account of someone like me experiencing post-traumatic stress after cancer, and what it felt like, and what I could even do about it. In fact, back in 2013 when this happened, cancer survivors weren't even really "allowed" to have PTS yet on the clinical side of things, which was complete rubbish.
So now through my writing on my website, the world has a real first-hand account of what PTS/PTSD can be like for cancer survivors, and thousands of people out there feel just a little less alone. US News & World Report Health even interviewed me about my story, which I was very proud to be able to contribute to at the national level.
It's so important that we all share our stories, from awareness of the diseases we've faced and early detection, to how we've coped with all that cancer has thrown our way in the aftermath. It helps knowledge about the cancer experience spread to the medical community, and it can make the experience for others out there fighting, or just trying to survive in the aftermath, feel a whole lot less alone. There's nothing worse than feeling alone.
Massive group social media hug today to all of my cancer community friends, and to everyone that's been there for me personally through this personal hell of mine. You know who you are, and how much I love you. You are my family, and I thank you.
God Bless,
StevePake.com
Snowzilla 2016
We got a record 3-plus FEET of snow here in the Washington, D.C. area from January 22-24th, 2016. So of course I was out with my cameras!!
We got a record 3-plus FEET of snow here in the Washington, D.C. area from January 22-24th, 2016. So of course I was out with my cameras!! I left the Canon 5D Mark II parked in my cabinet, as it doesn't have very good weather sealing. The 7D Mark II however, was built for some abuse, so out it went. I used just about everything I have. From ultra-wides to my 100-400L II super-telephoto, and then high speed primes of just about all lengths for low light and snow flake isolation shots. And of course I had my Nikon AW1 out too. I did all of the sledding photos with that, as it's easier to handle while managing kids. I did end up accidentally dropping it in the snow a few times, so it's nice to not have to worry about it. That's what it's for! :-)
Snowzilla was crazy! Hope you enjoy the pics!
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When You Gain Weight During Cancer Treatments
Chemotherapy affects everybody differently. You could very well lose weight if you end up having zero appetite from feeling sick constantly, and this is true for many. For me? Pardon the pun, but fat chance!
I've struggled with my weight for my entire life. I'm a 6'3" large-framed guy that most people think surely must have played football, so 300 pounds might not have looked like a whole lot on me, but it was still way too much. Through a lot of discipline and hard work many years ago, long before cancer, I finally managed to trim myself down to a far more healthy 240-250 pounds, and felt and looked good. I gained a bit of weight over the holidays one year, and saw 260 on the scale. I shook my head, and knew it was time to hunker down once again to keep my weight from spiraling out of control. And then I was diagnosed with cancer.
I was in a state of shock. The last thing on my mind was managing my weight at that point, but as the reality of my cancer diagnosis sunk in and I was about to start chemotherapy in March of 2011, I thought to myself, well at least I might lose that bit of excess during chemo! Chemotherapy affects everybody differently. You could very well lose weight if you end up having zero appetite from feeling sick constantly, and this is true for many. For me? Pardon the pun, but fat chance!
A confluence of factors conspired against me, from extreme fatigue, steroids causing me to balloon up, and out of control stomach acid production for which the only relief was to keep on eating, to give it something to absorb. Otherwise, I felt like I was constantly on the verge of gagging, and so I had to keep eating and the pounds piled on. It was so demoralizing to watch years of discipline and hard work going to waste, but it's just how things worked out, and I finished my five month fight against cancer back at nearly 300 pounds again! I had never felt more miserable and disgusting in my life, but I was still here and had my first all clear, and that's what counted.
As far as weight gain during treatment, body image issues, and tips on losing weight after cancer, here are some hopefully helpful tips.
1. CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK
Don't be critical of yourself if you gain weight while fighting cancer, and nobody else worth your while should either. Your body is going through hell, and you're just along for the ride. What's most important is to make it through your treatments, and to survive. There's no bonus points for having lost weight, nor are there any penalties if you gained some! If it happens, it happens.
Date night in March 2011, a few days before I was going to start chemotherapy.
June 2011 after being pumped full of poisons, steroids, and being laid up for three months. Then I gained more weight after the RPLND surgery!
2. TRY TO STAY ACTIVE IF YOU CAN
Whatever you can do to stay active during treatments will help to minimize the impact to your body, maintain your strength, and help make your recovery easier later. If you're able to keep going to the gym or stay in any sort of exercise routine, God bless you, keep doing it. I couldn't, and paid dearly for it later.
3. CLEAN UP YOUR DIET
For most people, we just have to eat whatever we can keep down during our treatments, but try to maintain a healthy diet after cancer. Chemotherapy and the bizarre after-effects of a lymph node dissection surgery left me with a far more sensitive stomach and G/I system in general. If you need help setting up an appropriate diet, talk to your oncologist or primary care for a referral to a nutritionist which is familiar with the dietary needs of cancer survivors.
4. START EXERCISING AFTER TREATMENTS
Starting to exercise regularly two years after my cancer diagnosis changed my life. I had to go all-in on exercise not just for weight loss, but to help control pain and hormonal issues so that my body would even function correctly at all. Exercise wasn't just good for my body, it was great for my mental well-being also. Exercise gave me time to process all that I had been through, an outlet for post-cancer stress and anxiety, and gave me a feeling of accomplishment whenever I completed a workout, no matter how fast or slow. Join a gym, and get a personal trainer if you need to. Invest in yourself.
5. BE PATIENT AND NEVER STOP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF
Because of chronic post-chemo muscle fatigue issues, I couldn't exercise very hard or for very long in my initial few years after cancer. I learned to be patient and accepting, but never stopped believing in myself. My body sputtered constantly, but I kept pushing, and finally managed to get myself off the ground after two years of trying. It was only then that I could finally exercise hard enough and for long enough to start burning some serious calories, and for the pounds to start coming off. True healing can take many years. Be patient with yourself and your body.
6. FIND THE SUPPORT THAT YOU NEED
Losing weight is hard even for normal people, but even more so for cancer survivors with all of the challenges that we face in our lives. Peer or group level support is essential, especially from other cancer survivors. They just got me and knew exactly what I was facing, understanding the challenges of peripheral neuropathy and muscle fatigue that many of us face after being exposed to the toxic chemotherapy drugs. Not once did I feel even the slightest bit discouraged by my cancer survivor friends. It helped to keep me motivated even when I’d wanted to quit, and I couldn’t have been without that support.
What a difference a few years make in 2015! Looking good, feeling good, climbing mountains, and down 40 friggin pounds from the end of cancer treatments! Waahoo!!!
It was a huge turnaround in 2015 and very proud moment when I finally saw 259 on the scale, marking having lost all 40 pounds that I had gained since my cancer diagnosis. I passed my annual physical with flying colors, and all of my numbers looked great. Next up for 2016? Back to 240 pounds, let’s do it!
StevePake.com
Cold Weather Cancer Survivorship Tips
Cold weather never bothered me before cancer. My body would just naturally adjust on its own, and all was well. After cancer has been an entirely different story, and as the temperatures drop below 40F, my body just wants to grind to a halt on me. My quality of life was miserable, and I just couldn't bear it anymore. I started to make some changes, and have the following cold weather survival tips.
Cold weather never bothered me before cancer. My body would just naturally adjust on its own, and all was well. After cancer has been an entirely different story, and as the temperatures drop below 40F, my body just wants to grind to a halt on me. Most of this has been due to chemotherapy induced peripheral neuropathy, as almost all of the symptoms that I have from this such as nerve pain, numbness, and muscle fatigue and weakness issues, all get worse in cold weather. As a testicular cancer survivor, even my testosterone levels would tend to swing around on me as energy levels dropped, and in the cold winter months I'd feel like a lethargic, depressive, and asexual lump. My quality of life was miserable, and I just couldn't bear it anymore. I started to make some changes, and have the following cold weather survival tips.
Keep Your Body Moving
I've found over the years that regular vigorous exercise is one of the best possible things you can do for yourself as a cancer survivor, especially during cold weather. No matter how awful I'd been feeling, getting out for a walk or run or whatever I could manage that day would make a world of difference, and I'd always feel so much better after. Regular exercise not only helped to reduce the pain I felt all over my body, but kept my energy levels up, my hormones where they ought to be, and my body humming. Keep your body moving.- Try to Maintain a Healthy Diet
From Thanksgiving through the New Year, we're inundated with all sorts of sweet temptations. When our bodies are already struggling, dealing with the ups and downs of too much sugary foods in our diets will make things even worse. Feel free to indulge a little, because otherwise you'll feel like you're missing out, but try not to go too overboard. All things in moderation. Perhaps just one or two of those holiday cookies, rather than a plate full.
- Get Some Sun and Fresh Air at Lunch
Break the cabin fever cycle, and get outside at lunch for some sun and fresh air. Even before cancer, I was one to suffer from mild seasonal depressions. There's nothing I've hated more than heading to work in the dark, and heading for home in the evening with the sun already down. It makes me feel trapped when I've already felt trapped by the history of cancer in my life. That hour of sun in the middle of the day when it's warmer wasn't just a burst of solar power and some fresh air, it was a taste of freedom that I needed, and helped to make a difference. Dress appropriately, and you won't feel the cold, either!
- Stay In Your Coping Routines
We all need to develop coping routines to get through our cancer fights and the survivorship years after. Just because it's the holiday season and we're all extra busy and stressed doesn't mean that you should cut these routines short, or drop out of them entirely. If anything, times of stress are when you need these coping routines the most! Some of my worst post-cancer meltdowns have all occurred in the winter months on the run up to the holidays, not just because of my own stress, but because of the stress of everyone else that's surrounded me. Refuse to budge, and stay in these routines. This is when they could be the most important!
- Plan a Trip Somewhere after the Holidays
We can all get a case of the post-holiday blues. Why not plan a trip to somewhere either warm, fun, or both, to break up the cold misery of winter? Especially after the peak of the holidays are over, there's always deals to be found somewhere. The planning and anticipation will keep you engaged, and you'll have a great time while on your getaway. Before you know it it will be March, the days will be getting noticeably longer again, and warmer weather and spring will be right around the corner.
Congrats! You've made it!
StevePake.com
Top 5 Lessons Learned in 5 Years of Cancer Survivorship
In November of 2015, I was invited by the Cancer Knowledge Network to write a guest post. CKN is part of Current Oncology, Canada's leading oncology journal, which is read by thousands of oncology professionals and patients.
In November of 2015, I was invited by the Cancer Knowledge Network to write a guest post. CKN is part of Current Oncology, Canada's leading oncology journal, which is read by thousands of oncology professionals and patients. It was a great honor to be invited to write for such a publication and to reach a new audience. This was also a huge opportunity to help spread the knowledge of my experiences, especially to oncology professionals, responsible for the care of many thousands of patients. What better thing could I share with such an audience than an updated list of my list of top lessons learned in five years of cancer survivorship?
Top 5 Lessons Learned in 5 Years of Cancer Survivorship
After treatments for our cancers conclude, every single one of us wants so desperately to believe that our bodies have been rid of our cancers forever, and that our fights are over. We want to believe that we'll be able to put what we've been through behind us, and that our lives will return to normal, if not a new normal. That's exactly what I believed in July of 2011 after a five-month long fight against testicular cancer, but I was in for a rude awakening. My body was free from cancer, but my life wasn't. There was so much I'd yet to experience, and so many important lessons that I'd learn along the way.
1. THE END OF YOUR FIGHT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF YOUR JOURNEY
The biggest and most shocking realization I’ve had is that the majority of my struggles all came after my cancer fight had ended, and that fighting cancer was the easy part! After my cancer fight, I had yet to experience excruciating nerve pain and muscle weakness issues that developed, all due to chemotherapy-induced peripheral neuropathy. I'd yet to experience anxiety about every little ache and pain, worrying that my cancer had returned, nor hormonal ups and downs that caused huge swings in my mood and energy levels. I'd yet to experience recurrence scares where I feared that I had just lived my last good day. I had no idea how to handle the depression and post-traumatic stress that followed all of this. I had beaten cancer, but became so overwhelmed with all of the unforeseen and seemingly endless challenges in the aftermath, that I contemplated suicide as a means to an end. The trials of life after cancer had pushed me that far.
2. NEVER STOP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF
Your attitude is everything, and is a self-fulfilling prophecy. No matter what it is that you're facing, if you believe in yourself with all of your heart and soul that you'll find a way to cope, to heal, or to overcome, you'll find that way no matter how extraordinary. If you don't believe in yourself, not only will you not find what you need, but you'll prolong your own suffering and pain. Never give up, never stop believing in yourself, and keep your heart and your mind open. Surround yourself with positive and uplifting people that believe in you too, who can help to carry you during the times you might stumble.
3. THE POWER OF THE RIGHT PEOPLE AND FRIENDSHIPS
Time and time again, it's not been pills, but the power of the right people, the right friendships, and the right souls in my life that had made critical differences for me through periods of distress. Through the power of the right people in my life, I've found the encouragement that I’ve needed, spiritual guidance, and those that could help me laugh, forget, and have a great time. Never be afraid to keep opening new doors, and bringing new people into your life. You never know when the next person you meet could change your life for the better. Some amazing souls out there have been all the medication I've ever needed, and I'm so blessed that they've become a part of my life.
4. NEVER STOP LIVING AND ENJOYING LIFE
I've been that person, huddled up in a corner in tears, and suffering from post-traumatic stress after cancer. I was afraid of everything and everybody, and just wanted to hide from life and the world, but I refused to give in. Don't let cancer keep you down. Your survivorship years are the time to get out there and truly enjoy life. Everything is sequential. Never stop believing in yourself, and never stop opening new doors. Find things that you enjoy doing, people that you enjoy doing them with, and have the time of your life. Make plans both big and small, and do the things that you've always wanted to do. I've learned that each day is a gift and never let one go to waste, and have never enjoyed life more than I have after cancer. The best way to survive cancer is to LIVE!
5. LOVE YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY
Above all, love yourself unconditionally. But what does that mean? Loving yourself unconditionally means accepting all that you feel. It means allowing yourself to sit in that secluded corner to cry, without feeling ashamed. Loving yourself means pushing hurtful people and things out of your life, without feeling guilty about doing so. Most of all, loving yourself means simply being yourself, without feeling the need to apologize to anyone for being who and what you are. Ridding myself of this internal mechanism for self-loathing, and learning the importance of self-love and acceptance, has been my gateway drug towards healing from within, reducing stress, reducing anxiety and depression, and finding what was truly meant for me in my life. Our perceived faults are not flaws. We're all perfect just the way we are, and were made the way we are for a reason. Embrace yourself, and love yourself unconditionally.
These past five years of life after cancer have put me through more than I could have possibly imagined. Both cancer survivors and care providers should never underestimate the potential challenges of life after cancer. Even reading about such possibilities while going through treatments never registered, because it simply wasn't believable to me at the time. What could possibly be worse than what I was already going through? Believe it. Cancer survivors everywhere should be encouraged to find and stay closely connected to sources of support throughout these years. It is my hope that through the sharing of my story, care providers will have greater recognition of these patient challenges after cancer, that survivors will become more attuned to the very real challenges that we can face, and not be afraid to seek the support that they need.
StevePake.com
Year in Photos 2015
Our year in photos.
It was another incredible year, with a whole bunch of fun trips both domestically and abroad. We started off the New Year in Singapore of all places, and were then on our way to Taiwan on another adventure to the Far East. We went to Disney World over Spring Break, and then saw the DC Cherry Blossoms in full bloom as soon as we got back. We went to Longwood Gardens during the summer, and made a bunch of trips to Shenandoah National Park. We went to a few air shows, went to the beach a few times, and did a trip to Chicago and Wisconsin Dells. In the fall we went to SNP again to take in the fall foliage, went to Hershey Park, and miscellaneous odds and ends throughout the year, and now we're pretty beat! 2015 was an amazing year. Travel plans are already firming up for 2016. Looking forward to another amazing year. Happy 2016 to all! :)
FULL GALLERY LINK - YEAR IN PHOTOS 2015
"Hello From The Other Side of Cancer"
I’ve been hooked on the new Adele song, “Hello,” for the past few days now and finally figured out why.
I’ve been hooked on the new Adele song, “Hello,” for the past few days now and finally figured out why.
I don’t have any long lost loves that I haven’t gotten over or that I’ve felt guilty about hurting. My wife is my soulmate, my first and only love, and we were very blessed to have found each other at such a young age. I relate to the song very strongly instead as a cancer survivor that’s struggled to heal, struggled to move on, and is still in mourning for those younger and more carefree days that Adele sings about.
“There’s such a difference between us, [my pre-cancer and post-cancer selfs],
and a million miles.”
I wrote a blog about this feeling or state earlier this year, “On Life and Its Huge Contrasts”, just mourning the loss of so much innocence after having faced cancer as a young adult. It’s been such a rude awakening. I wouldn’t have things any other way and accept life for what it truly is today, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t still long for those younger and more carefree days.
“I’ve forgotten how it felt before [cancer] fell at our feet.”
In “Hello”, it’s like I want to call the pre-cancer version of myself to just see how things are going, wondering how life might have been different. I always feel this way whenever I’m hurting inside, like I am right now. Another round of scans today, and another round of waiting. This is checkup #26, and I’m so damned tired of this. I’m tired of feeling threatened, tired of having to make yet another “emergency landing” because my body, my one vehicle to carry me through this life, tried to kill itself when I was only 33. I just feel trapped and afraid in my own body once again, and how can you ever get used to that? Can you? Is there a such thing as a “routine” emergency landing? Not really, yet that’s what this is, and I resent having to keep going through this over and over again. It’s traumatizing to one extent or another every single time, and I struggle to cope each time.
“They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing.”
I’ve come a long ways, and have actually done a tremendous amount of healing even this year. Yet here I sit late at night after everybody else in the house is asleep, crying my eyes out as I listen to this song on repeat play, really just the first verse. I don’t even know exactly what I’m feeling, but obviously I’m still feeling, and hurting, from all that I’ve been through. A painful past, some nasty scars, the loss of one too many friends, recurrence scares, and so many hard times. I accept it, and embrace it, and no longer try to deny anything that I feel. That just makes things even more difficult. “I’m sorry for all the pain that I’ve caused myself, for having denied my own feelings for so long.” These powerful Scorpio emotions are mine. I own them. It’s a gift to be able to love people as I deeply as I do, but it’s a double-edged sword because of how much I can hurt as well.
“I must have called a thousand times, But when I call you never seem to be home.”
There’s never gonna be an answer, because there’s no going back with this. This is my life now. Once you’re in this club, you’re in for life. I’ll never not be a cancer survivor in this lifetime. My pre-cancer self is out there in a parallel universe somewhere, still living carefree and oblivious to reality, and I’m seething with jealousy of that during these hurtful times. The comfort I take is that I guarantee you, I’ve lived and enjoyed life more each year since cancer more than my pre-cancer self has in all five, still taking everything in life for granted. That’s what it takes to get through this. Live your life. Enjoy it like crazy. Never let a day go to waste.
We’re two weeks from Christmas, and I’m a wreck. I’m scared as hell for no reason and I know it, but that’s what cancer and post-traumatic stress can do to you. I’m far from my best right now, but I’m doing my best, coping in the best ways I know how, and that’s all one can do. This time will pass quickly, and I’ll be back to enjoying life like crazy again. But right now, with the tears falling, it hurts to the core.
“Hello from the other side of cancer.”
StevePake.com
You Own Everything That Happened To You
Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.
I’m sorry to say, there are a few people out there that I’ve had quite challenging feelings towards. But this is my story, these are my experiences, and this is how various people and things out there have affected me, for better or for worse. The point is not to shame, but to share with others all of the ways in which we feel pain. It's been impossible to not identify some, but I’ve actually gone to great lengths to protect others that I’ve mentioned, because they’re still cared for, and I don’t want to hurt them by identifying them in any way to others.
You’re never going to know how close we are to the edge of our sanity. We don’t commonly show it, because we know people just aren’t going to understand unless they’ve been there too. We’re already feeling threatened, and possibly cornered by cancer. Even if we're in remission or all clear, it's still finding ways to push our buttons most every single day. You don't just "get over" cancer like you get over the flu. It scars you very deeply inside.
You need to be at your very best around us. You need to be able to bring positive and uplifting energy to the table, and we need to sense that your hearts and your intentions towards us are pure and honest. If we even suspect any impropriety from you, you’re doing it wrong. Believe me when I say, we’re not going to react well. Cancer can already have us on full alert. We might already be getting pushed to our limits, even if you have no idea. You didn’t see me wiping away tears five minutes ago, and now you’re pushing my buttons too. In the blink of an eye, you'll be gone.
"10 Important Lessons on Life, Love, and Forgiveness After Cancer"
All has been forgiven. It's funny how life works. It was because I had felt so betrayed and disgusted, that I completely changed directions, and found the path that I was meant to be on. It's because I had felt so abandoned, that I finally opened my mind and found what was truly meant for me in this world. Maybe, sometimes, we need to hurt like this, and that it's only through periods of great suffering that we finally rise up, and make the changes that we need to make in our lives in order to thrive. Years have passed now in most cases, and I've actually become very thankful for these people, despite the pain they had caused initially. Had I not been so hurt, I probably wouldn't have made the changes that I needed to in my life. It's through this realization that I've been able to forgive and love again, and have found the peace that I've needed.
I've come full circle, and actually have very kind things to say towards those that had hurt me in the past. I don't think some of them could ever possibly understand why or how, but at least I can feel that love and appreciation for myself through this writing, even if they'll never know. :)
StevePake.com
PTSD After Cancer Part II - Coping and Overcoming
This is Part II of my three part series of essays on my struggles with post-traumatic stress after cancer. In Part I described what the whole experience felt like, and in this part I'm sharing the story of all that I did to cope with and overcome it, and all of the wonderful people that helped me get there. Fighting cancer was the easy part. Recovering from PTS after cancer is so much harder, because at first you have no idea who or what you're fighting against, only to realize it's you.
This is Part II of my three part series of essays on my struggles with post-traumatic stress after cancer. In Part I, I described what the whole experience felt like, and in this part I'm sharing the story of all that I did to cope with and overcome it, and all of the wonderful people that helped me get there. Fighting cancer was the easy part. Recovering from PTS after cancer is many orders of magnitude harder, because you have no idea who or what you're fighting against, only to realize it's you.
Post-traumatic stress gives you the feeling of internal panic as though your house were on fire, with you in it, but there's no window or doors in which to escape, and you can't simply run outside. It's your mind that's on fire, where you live, and it's all going up in flames. You’re panicked because you feel trapped and don’t know exactly what you’re supposed to do, or if you can even escape. When I first started suffering from post-traumatic stress after cancer, this is exactly what it felt like to me. I didn't understand what had started the fire, nor what was feeding it. I just knew that my mind was on fire, and had to do whatever it took to save myself.
PULLING THE PLUGS
As I look back on my journey through post-traumatic stress after cancer with the wisdom that a few years have brought, it's very clear to me now what had been going on, what my sub-conscious mind was seeing and feeling, and what my triggers had been. At the time, however, I hadn't a clue. I was blindsided and dumbstruck. There had been some signs earlier in 2012 of the trouble that was brewing within me, but I thought I had been doing perfectly fine. It wasn't any one thing that set me off, but rather a seemingly perfect storm of bad external stimuli that had hit me from all sides at once that did it.
With my mind ablaze, I did the only thing I knew I could do at the time, and just started pulling the plugs, on everything. Anything and anybody that didn't need to be in my mind or in my head space, just needed to get the hell out. The news and its daily death count and all of the terrible goings on in the world is enough to get even normal people on edge, and that was the first to go. I've not been a consumer of what they call "the news" for three years now, and haven't missed it for a day. Television and the Internet were all shut off, and I simply ran "cold" for awhile.
I had to do a bit of house-cleaning in my personal life as well. A person's eyes are the windows into their soul. I needed to be able to look someone in the eyes, and just know that they were good for me, right for me, would never bring any harm to me, and that I could trust them with my life. I needed to feel this level of trust towards anyone who was going to be in my life going forward because PTS made me feel like my life was endangered constantly, even if it was all in my head. Most fell into a large middle group of people who I knew cared and were concerned, but just didn't know quite what to do with me or how to support me. I tried my best to distance myself from such people. These were all good people, but good wasn't enough. I needed nothing less than the very best for me, someone that could stand by my side with confidence, and who just knew exactly how to support me.
There were, unfortunately, a person or two in my life who when I peered into their souls, I saw ulterior motives and hidden agendas. These people were gone from my life in an instant, without so much as a second thought, and were made very aware that they were no longer a welcomed presence in my life. I had sensed trouble within these people, and bridges were burned to prevent any more of this trouble from finding its way into my life. These were survival mode instincts. Get out, and stay the hell out. Right or wrong, fair or not, simply having caused me to doubt their intentions towards me was enough to fail me as a friend. These were not the types of people that I could have anywhere near me during this time. I was terribly hurt and wanted nothing more to do with these people, and banished them from my life.
Cancer changed so much about me as a person, but PTS and having "demons inside" changed me even more. It raised my bar for friendships through the roof, and a lot of people simply didn't make the cut, through no faults of their own in the majority of cases. The only people I could have anywhere close to me needed to be rock solid, dependable, trustworthy, and positive people. I could count on one hand the number of people that I felt this way towards. Cancer is already such a lonely experience, but experiencing PTS is even moreso. I withdrew from people I had loved and considered friends, I withdrew from interests and hobbies, and I withdrew from everything and anybody in my life because at the time, I didn't know exactly what was hurting me and why. I pulled the plug on everything.
I know there are some people that I've pushed away that have been very hurt, and I'm sorry for this. How the hell do you explain to someone that your house is on fire in your mind, and that whatever their deal or issue was, they just needed to get the hell away? This is how survival mode instincts work. You're fighting to survive, and nothing else matters. My conscious mind was no longer working, and all I was operating on were survival mode gut instincts. If I didn't feel at that instinctual level that someone was good and right for me, you were potentially registering as a threat, and simply couldn't be anywhere near me. And sometimes, this meant being alone.
YOU DON'T FIGHT A FIRE BY YOURSELF
As many people as I had suddenly pushed away, I knew full well that I needed help, but from whom? You don't fight a fire by yourself! You need the help of as many people as possible, from people that you know without a doubt are on your side. A critical mistake I had made during my first few years after cancer was actually trying to take the advice of many well-meaning people, including some of my doctors, to just try and "forget" all that I had been through and move on with my life. Maybe this works for some, but for me it was terrible advice. Scorpios never forgive or forget anything, and especially not something that had hurt us.
Cancer Community Support is Essential Long After Cancer: I had become disconnected from the support I had enjoyed from fellow testicular cancer fighters and caregivers at the TC-Cancer.com forum, which was one of the first places I found on the Internet back in 2011 when I was at the start of my cancer fight. Many of these people had drifted away from the forum, but I quickly tracked them down and connected with as many as I could find on social media. We were scattered all about, but just having them psychologically closer like this helped me to feel better, and safer. I logged back into the forum for the first time in awhile and made a post about the terrible anxiety I was struggling with. I had thought I was all alone, but one by one the responses popped up from others who had been on my same timeline, and who had been facing similar challenges in their own lives. Just knowing that I wasn't alone and wasn't nearly as isolated as I thought I had been made an immediate and huge difference. There's nothing worse for any cancer fighter or survivor than to feel alone!
One of the very best things about the cancer community is that we're always there for each other. When other friends fail you or just don't know how to support you, the cancer community just knows, and always has your back. Cancer community support can be a bit of a double-edged sword. There are plenty of sad stories, and not everyone you know is going to make it, but the support gained from this community of incredible people is simply invaluable and irreplaceable.
Support from the Medical Community: I called my oncologist's office in January 2013 to get a fresh prescription for some Ativan, because my anxiety was out of control. I was immediately relieved when I heard the voice of Trish Traylor on the phone, the best and most incredible oncology nurse ever. What kind of oncology nurse can you chat with about cancer, life, fast cars, and guns? I hadn't talked to Trish in quite some time at this point, but just hearing her voice on the other end of the line helped to put me at ease and bring some calm back into my life. Trish and I talked on the phone for a bit, and when I told her what was going on she dropped me the numbers to some therapists. I gave them a call later, only to find out that the first available appointments weren't for another 6-8 weeks for one, and 2-3 months for the other. I couldn't believe it and knew it wasn't going to do. I'm sure there were other resources in the area that could have helped on a more timely basis, but my house was on fire now, and I needed help now.
If I waited 6 to 8 weeks to get into a therapists office while experiencing PTS, there wasn't going to be anything left of me for therapy.
My local medical system had failed me here, and I knew I was on my own. I was very grateful that Trish was willing to exchange personal contact information with me, because I knew she didn't have to. Trish was a "safe" person, and I needed more people like this in my life. I would have many pep talks with Trish over the coming months, on her own personal time. Trish became a huge source of encouragement and guidance for me, and I was so grateful for her presence in my life. If you ever want to know a real-life angel, get to know an oncology nurse!
Trish Traylor and I at our annual summer kickoff color party. Oncology nurses are the most amazing human beings ever!
My friend from work, Claudia Ritchey, another angel in my life and an absolutely amazing human being.
Finding Your Innermost Circle: I also sat down for pep talks with my friend from work, Claudia Ritchey, quite often during this time. Claudia and I had bonded over the years and she just got me, and knew what I was going through not because she had been there herself, but simply because she was that brilliant and amazing of a woman. Claudia was a very spiritually connected person, and all it took was 5 minutes of talking to her and I would calm right down, and I just felt like everything was going to be okay. Claudia knew. I didn't know how she knew things, but she did, and I believed her. Claudia and I connected on a very deep and spiritual level, and she had always been a complete angel to me, except that she was leaving! Her last day at my office was the last Friday in that January of 2013, and I was going to have to find a way forward without nearly as much of her physical presence in her life.
Claudia had become like a big sister or sister-mom to me, with all of her southern gal warmth and charm to go with it. God bless her for being on-call for me throughout most of 2013. I knew she was far too talented and gifted to be sitting around as our office manager. She had sacrificed a very high profile legal career at the Supreme Court of the United States for her family, and clearly had callings elsewhere in life. God had other plans for her, and needed her to bless other people with her presence in their lives, and I tried my best to accept that she would be gone.
My cancer mentor Kim (right) and her twin sister Kelly on a visit to the DC area in early 2013.
I leaned heavily on my cancer mentor, Kim. Kim is a friend that my wife and I had known for over 15 years by this time, who had been diagnosed with thyroid cancer the year before I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I didn't know what a cancer mentor was or why one might be needed, but without even asking I already had one. Kim volunteered herself for this role when she learned of my diagnosis, and it never mattered one bit that we had different types of cancers, nor that she was a she. We're all the same inside, and feel the same things, and so much of the young adult cancer experience transcends cancer type and gender. Kim got me. Kim knew exactly what I was feeling, and just knowing that I wasn't alone made things better, but Kim was in Pittsburgh. I quickly saw the pattern.
People that were wrong for me had been too close, and those that were right were too far away.
I found some important support that I needed and which helped to shore me up, yet still felt alone and abandoned at the same time. I didn't know what the answers were, and still had terrible amounts of anxious energy inside of me. All I knew was that I needed to find outlets for this, something, anything, or else it would eat me alive. What was done with some others in my life was done, and what needed to be done. No regrets. If something or someone was wrong for me, they just needed to go. I had closed various doors and slammed shut a few others, and there was no going back. As frightened as I was, it was much better to be alone for awhile than to allow hurtful people to continue to be a presence in my life. I simply prayed that the right doors would open in time, and tried to find the outlets that I needed to manage on my own.
FIND HEALTHY AND PRODUCTIVE OUTLETS
When I was diagnosed with cancer, there was little time to be stressed, or sit around and worry. I had chemotherapy sessions, surgeries to prep for, consultations, and tons of other appointments with this doctor or that doctor while struggling to keep my body afloat through treatments. Now, I was just waiting around and going crazy. I needed outlets, and I needed them now, or else I was just going to burn up inside. I couldn't even sit still long enough to go out to lunch, it was that bad! I felt threatened constantly, and like a sitting duck if I was waiting around in some restaurant. I had to keep busy, and I had to keep moving.
RUNNING. I had just started running at the tail end of 2012, which as it turned out, happened to be the origin of all of the strange pains I had been having when I was suddenly exercising muscles that hadn’t gotten much if any use in quite some time. Running would prove to have many benefits for me, such as helping control terrible nerve pain issues I was having, and keeping my hormonal levels cranked up. Most importantly, there was something very primal about running, specifically outside with the wind on my face, and trees and scenery passing me by. It gave all this energy inside of me a place to go, and fulfilled a sub-conscious desire to literally just run away from everything that I had been experiencing. No matter how anxious I had been that day, running would always help to bring back some calm without fail, and I needed that.
While dedicating an hour of time to go running or walking, it was also an hour of OFF time just for me where I could shut out the rest of the world and focus within. Running over lunch became my private "FU Cancer" time. I never listened to music when I went running, but rather got myself into semi-meditative states where I could playback a particular moment, or re-experience something awful that I had felt in a more controlled and safe environment. I could either process it, or just allow myself to feel something for the first time while in my "safe zone." I told myself that as long as I kept running, that cancer couldn't catch me. I knew this wasn't how things worked, but cancer plays the most terrible head games with you, and you have to play head games back! I knew it wasn't true, but it felt good to say it!
Taking up running is one of the best things I ever did for myself after cancer. It’s an entire chapter of my life, going from hardly being able to get up a single flight of stairs without wheezing after cancer, to being able to run 5K's in well under 30 minutes.
Becoming a running addict, and my first sub 30-minute 5K in April of 2015 after two years of trying fighting terrible peripheral neuropathy and muscle fatigue issues from chemo!
Not my bumper sticker, but so true!
RANGE THERAPY. A little shooting range therapy went a long ways too. I just couldn’t get this terrible flashback sequence of all of the worst moments of my 5 month cancer fight out of my head. It replayed itself over and over and over again, traumatizing me every time. It was so bad one day that I just had to leave work. I went to the NRA Headquarters shooting range in Fairfax, VA and put up a bunch of paper testicular carcinoma targets that a friend from NIH had hooked me up with. With the terrible imagery of these cancer fight flashbacks playing through my head and tears streaming down my face, I rapidly unloaded magazine after magazine into these cancer targets. I fucking hated cancer with all that I had at this point, and with every fiber of my being. I took great pleasure in ripping these stupid cancer cell prints to shreds. Cancer had caused my body to betray me, had taken my life hostage, and now even after cancer it was still finding ways to fuck with my mind. From then on, whenever this terrible cancer fight flashback sequence would start playing through my mind, I would immediately roll the new clip of shredding paper cancer targets with a 9mm pistol in its place, and I was never tormented by this flashback sequence again.
Range Therapy in January 2013, in the midst of the absolute worst of this. I had to take the day off of work, and I can't put into words how good this felt.
VIDEO GAMES. Yes, I even turned to video games as a form of therapy! I laughed out loud when I saw an article in 2015 talking about the potential benefits of video games for cancer survivors and those experiencing post-traumatic stress, because I knew how true it was. I would wake up in the middle of the night either naturally or due to a nightmare, and then my mind would just start racing with cancer-related thoughts and worries, and wouldn't stop. I had terrible insomnia, but there was no way I was going to sit around and worry about cancer all night long, so I would fire up my PS3 and play Gran Turismo 5 in the middle of the night, and race myself to oblivion. It forced my mind to focus externally, and any sort of video game that requires intense external concentration will do that! In the article they had mentioned Tetris, but a good racing game would keep my petrolhead mind just as occupied. It would stop the cancer thoughts from flowing, and I would go until I was so damned tired that I could drag myself back up to bed, and immediately crash and fall back to sleep. Taking drugs like Lunesta would help reduce the cancer insomnia, but just made my day miserable by making my peripheral neuropathy and muscle fatigue issues so much worse. Video games were an ingenious distraction for these middle of the night mind games. My mind was already racing about cancer, why not give it something else to race?
WRITING. I had been inspired by an article or two that Kim had been writing for the hypo-parathyroid association magazine that she had joined in the aftermath of her thyroid cancer. It just seemed like such a good way to vent, as I proofread a piece she had prepared in which she was venting her frustrations with her own young adult cancer experience. I knew I always had a knack for writing, and that it was an untapped talent that would never get any real use in engineering world in which I worked. Cancer sure as hell had given me plenty of material to write about, and so I started journaling my thoughts almost every single day.
Whatever terrible thoughts I was having, I dumped them into my journal in hopefully semi-coherent thoughts. There were a lot of terrible thoughts, and my journal quickly reached tens of thousands of words. It was through this private writing to myself that I started to get in touch with my true spiritual-self for the first time, and I began to understand who exactly I was, what my needs as a person really were, and all that was lurking inside of me. I took it all raw and head-on, numbed only by a bit of wine. I was never on an anti-depressant of any sort, and didn't want to be. I wanted to know exactly what was lurking inside of me so that I could learn how to grasp it, and then beat the shit out of it.
FEEL WHAT YOU NEED TO FEEL, AND JUST LET IT OUT
On a run in early 2013, a huge and paralyzing wave of anxiety suddenly swept over me to the point that I had to stop mid-run. I sat down on the curb right where I had stopped because I couldn't even make it to a park bench that was a short distance away, and just started sobbing uncontrollably. I was completely paralyzed by fear, and it still boggles my mind to this day what I was even afraid of. I was afraid of having to get the dreaded retroperitoneal lymph-node dissection (RPLND) surgery done, except that this was January 2013, and I had already had this surgery done 18 months ago in June of 2011!!! I completed chemotherapy in May of 2011, and was so disappointed that my post-chemo CT scans showed that I hadn't gotten a complete radiological response from the chemotherapy alone, as we all had hoped. There was still a lymph node or two showing on those post-chemo scans that were greater than 1cm, which met the standard of care for recommending this terrible RPLND surgery. Because my tumor markers had always been negative, it was purely a guessing game as to what exactly was still in these lymph nodes. It could have still been active cancer, and I was so terrified and disappointed by this, but at the time I didn't blink an eye. "Well, guess I'm getting cut," I responded to my wife on a text message.
I carried my warrior mentality with me straight from three months of chemotherapy hell, and right through the RPLND surgery that I had on June 22nd, 2011. I wasn't afraid of the surgery back then. When you're fighting for your life, a different mentality takes hold, and you just do whatever you need to do. My desire to fight and my desire to beat this stupid cancer and live far exceeded my fears. I never felt even an ounce of fear at the time, but it doesn't mean that I was never afraid. People have called me brave and heroic, but I've never felt that way about myself. We suppress our fears in order to get through extremely challenging life situations, whether we're fighting cancer or a war. I didn't know it, but I was absolutely horrified inside beneath this warrior spirit, and sitting on the curb on that freezing cold day January day, there all of those emotions finally came pouring out.
I didn't understand what was happening in the days that followed this particular episode, but through writing in my journal I came to realize the above, that I had simply been in a warrior mindset throughout my cancer fight, and that I had so many more emotions like these locked away inside that I just needed to release. I came to understand that I was hurting as I had been because I had never allowed myself to feel or express such powerful emotions, and that they were better out than in. After I sat on that curb for 10 or 20 minutes just letting all of that out, I was never afraid of that wretched RPLND surgery again, nor did memories from it haunt me as they had been.
I officially called bullshit on the notion that men aren’t supposed to cry or feel anything.
I no longer told myself that there was something wrong with me for feeling what I was. For the first time, I just allowed myself to feel whatever I needed to feel without judgement. I cried more in the first half of 2013 than I ever had in all the rest of my life combined. Every time I cried, I released a little bit more pain from the dark corners of my mind, and felt better after I did. All of the frustrations, all of the fears, all of the disappointments about life when your own body betrays you in such a terrible way, I just let them all fly out of my body through tears. I journaled them all, with a bottle of wine in front of me at 2am, and a heaping pile of paper towels overflowing the trash can I parked next to the couch. Mere tissues weren’t nearly enough to absorb this big boy’s tears.
LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING
In this first half of 2013, two years after my cancer diagnosis and six months away from hitting the all important two years cancer free point, I just had this innate fear that it was inevitable that my cancer was going to come back. I couldn’t shake it no matter what I did. I had six months of active surveillance to go, and just felt like something was going to happen The closer I got to this two year finish line, the worse my anxiety became. I felt like if something was going to happen, it was going to happen sooner rather than later, and that my "last good day" could be any day now. Even when my PTS issues were switched off, I just couldn't shake this feeling. I was genuinely afraid that this was my time, and wanted to live the best possible last six months of my healthy life that I could. No rational or logical thought mattered. The high five year survival rates for testicular cancer were comforting at the conscious level, but we're always afraid that we're going to be one of those few percent that have something happened. When you’re spooked, you’re spooked.
At a basketball game with my dad (left), and my longtime friend Richard (center), February 2013, just a matter of weeks after "ground zero."
FUN WITH FRIENDS. In February of 2013, I had tickets to go to the Wizards-Rockets game with some friends that had been planned a few months in advance. Bad thoughts were finding me that day and I almost didn’t go, but I refused to allow cancer and post-traumatic stress issues rule me. I forced myself to go, and it was a wonderful few hours spent with a long-time friend talking trash, seeing who could get the best photos of the cheerleaders, and maybe watching a little bit of the game. It was a few hours where my mind was solidly engaged on things external to the turmoil of my inner world. I enjoyed this time away from my own mind immensely. I don't think my pal Richard realizes just how important of a moment getting out for this game was for me, but he will now. It was the first time I said, "Fuck you cancer and post-traumatic stress, you're NOT going to stop me from living and enjoying my life." It was a huge moment that set me off on the right foot not just for the year, but for my entire life after cancer.
Hiking with Amit, Spring 2013.
THE GREAT OUTDOORS. I had always wanted to give hiking a try, but never found the time in my 35 years. My long time friend Amit took me on a hike around Sugarloaf Mountain in Maryland that spring. I loved it and took to it immediately, and enjoyed the fresh air and the scenery immensely. Taking all of this in while concentrating on the hike, and enjoying the company of another long-time friend meant another few hours where my mind was solidly focused externally, and away from the complete turmoil of my inner world. Amit and I followed this hike up with the 8-mile Catoctin Mountain loop, which was another few hours of solid external engagement for my mind, fresh air, great scenery, great company, and exercise as well. I'd loved to have gone hiking every single day if I could.
THE COMFORT AND JOY OF MY FAMILY. My wife and I went on our first private post-cancer getaway sans kids to St. Lucia in October of 2012 to celebrate our anniversary, and then went as a family to Disneyland over Thanksgiving. These were the most wonderful times of our lives, and I needed more of them. I needed to double down! We went to DisneyWorld in Orlando over spring break of 2013 where we were blessed with a week of absolutely perfect weather, and it was such a fun and wonderful time. Funny how it can be so easy to take family trips like these for granted. I loved and enjoyed every single second, feeling inside like this could be the last Disney trip I'd ever go on with my family.
We immediately hit the beach over Memorial Day weekend to our favorite beach, Rehoboth Beach in Delaware, and enjoyed a blissful beach weekend. Over the summer we finally went on the midwestern road trip that we had planned for 2011, but that my cancer fight spoiled the plans for. We spent a few days in Chicago, and finally paid a visit to Wisconsin Dells for the very first time. My wife and I had criss-crossed the Dells nearly every weekend for two years when she was in Rochester, Minnesota, and I was in Libertyville, Illinois. We had always wanted to meet halfway there one weekend, but we were young and had little money, and just didn’t want to spend it like that. We went to the Great Wolf Lodge waterpark and had an incredible few days, and became waterpark addicts. Our kids had so much fun that they didn’t want to leave even after a few days, but we continued on our way to Rochester, MN for my wife to meet up with some old friends, and then finally landed in Minneapolis for the Minnesota State Fair. It was a fantastic road trip, there was never a dull moment, and despite having travelled nearly a thousand miles by car, our kids were little angels the whole way and hardly complained.
My family was my heaven on earth, and I never wanted to leave them or be apart from them.
At DisneyWorld, Spring Break 2013
Our Summer 2013 Midwestern Road Trip, "The Bean" in Chicago
Road-tripping up to the Minnesota State Fair, Summer 2013
Living like you were dying wasn’t just about going on big trips, though. Hiking was free, and going to a basketball game with friends was minimal cost as well. Every weekend we had things going on such as trips to museums, trips to the zoo, and other places of interest. Every minute my mind spent planning for, anticipating, or being engaged with an enjoyable activity, was a minute it wasn’t spending in a state of complete distress worrying about things I had no control over. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t still afraid because I was, and it didn’t mean that I didn’t still have terrifying thoughts because I did. Staying solidly engaged with living and enjoying life as much as possible had the effect of slowing down the awful thoughts I was having to a trickle. At that rate I could process them one by one, as opposed to being flooded with them to the point of drowning in them as I had before.
IT TAKES AN ENTIRE VILLAGE TO KEEP CANCER SURVIVORS FEELING WHOLE
As wonderful as my wife, family, and friends were, I still needed more. Amit and his wife had just had their first baby and were busy with that, and my friend Richard and I were just on slightly different life rhythms, with kids just different enough in age that it made it difficult to connect. I was still too afraid to be alone, my wife commonly had to work on weekends and couldn’t literally be by my side at every moment, and too many of my other friends were scattered about the country.
If ever there was a time that I really needed a brother or a sister, someone dedicated to me and that knew me, and that I would feel totally and completely safe and comfortable around, this was the time. I needed someone that could fly in for a weekend if needed just to keep me company, because I was still hurting this badly inside, and couldn't be left alone. I actually do have a sister that most people don’t even realize that I have, but for whatever reason she’s just chosen not to be a part of my or my family’s lives, and I haven’t had any sort of relationship with her in over 20 years now. At best, my sister has just never really cared that I’ve existed, or at worst she's resented me. Not once have I ever felt like my sister has actually cared about me, all throughout my cancer fight I hardly even got a text message or an email from her, and as far as I know she never read even a single one of my CaringBridge online journal updates. For 20 years it didn’t really matter, but now, going through this, I really needed a brother or a sister in my life. Knowing that I had one but didn’t really have one just hurt, and it made the feelings of isolation and abandonment that I was already experiencing so much worse.
This was a herding instinct coming to the surface, and the feeling of safety in numbers. I had always been a very independent person, but suddenly became a people person out of nowhere. I needed my 'herd' to surround me and protect me, but who was my herd? There were definitely people that I felt close to, but weren't nearly physically close enough. I needed someone right down the street that I could feel this way about. I needed a miracle.
THE MIRACLE OF THE RIGHT PEOPLE, AND THE RIGHT SOULS IN YOUR LIFE, EXACTLY WHEN YOU NEED THEM
Natalie and Mark Way, and their daughter Josie. Beloved friends, and my second family.
On Saturday, February 9th, 2013 what I consider to be a miracle happened. My son William had a birthday party to go to for one of his daycare classmates, Josie Way. This was the very first week that I had managed to get my PTS turned “off” in the early days, although that does have to be used in quotations. PTS is like a trick light switch that wants to keep flipping itself back on. You can flip it off, only to have it flip itself back on again. I was still feeling so raw and vulnerable, and bad thoughts had been finding me again that morning. I didn't want to go. I was afraid, but it was all up to me. Due to a scheduling conflict with something that my wife and daughter needed to go to at the same time, if I didn’t take Will to his classmate's birthday party, he wasn’t going to get to go. I wasn’t ready to be around people yet, but I refused to give in, I refused to allow cancer to rule me like this, and I forced myself to go.
The party went almost exactly as I thought it would. I was struggling to hold back bad thoughts, I had tears welling up in my eyes, and I was still so spooked. I almost thought I was going to have to leave the room, but my attention started focusing on the hosts of the party, Natalie and Mark Way. They just seemed like a carbon copy of my wife and I, a very pretty and petite western appearing Asian woman, and a tall and goofy looking white guy. I had seen their daughter in Will’s class for at least a year and a half, but never remembered meeting them. I wondered how on earth I hadn’t until now, despite having been to dozens upon dozens of school birthday parties in the past.
It turns out that I have a very good sense for people, and if someone is supposed to be a part of my life or not. I knew within a week of meeting my wife that she was the one for me, and I've also sensed people that would be trouble well in advance as well. I took one look at Natalie and Mark, and whatever this sense that I have is, pegged the needle positively in a way that it rarely if ever has in my life. I had this huge sense that these were people that I was supposed to know, but was afraid to initiate a friendship. I had been hurt by others and couldn't afford to be hurt again, and I knew they’d quickly learn of my cancer story and issues with PTS. I was so afraid of being rejected, but listened to what my instincts were telling me, and took a huge leap of faith to initiate a new friendship the week after the birthday party.
It didn’t take too long to realize that our new friends did practically all of the same things that we did! Seeing social media updates, our first few comments towards each other were along the lines of "hey, we just did that yesterday," or "we were just there last week!" Natalie and I got to talking a bit more, wondering how we had missed each other all these years, only to realize that we were just missing each other by not even 5 minutes most days in the afternoon for pickup, and that we actually lived in the same neighborhood right down the street from each other! And when they started seeing my cancer related updates on the struggles I was facing in life, they didn't run away from me as I feared they would, but actually ran towards me and were immediately supportive in a very positive way. My mind was blown.
We had our first family playdate together a month or so later, after our schedules finally cleared. We met at a local park early in the spring of 2013 and then went to dinner together, and from there the most wonderful of friendships was born. Museum trips, hiking adventures, countless dinners, foodie adventures, park playdates, weekend trips, Game of Thrones, and even a co-coordinated vacation or two, and the list goes on and on. Whenever Debbie was tied up with work on a weekend, I could always sync up with these new friends of mine just a 5 minute walk down the street, and Debbie knew that I would be in good hands.
At Stony Man Summit in Shenandoah National Park for the Blackberry Festival, Summer 2014, and at our 2015 Summer Kickoff Color Party (right)
One of the first things anybody will notice about Natalie is that she just radiates positive energy, and that she has a laugh that can fill a room. She’s also the most wonderful of hosts, and never leaves anyone in her presence unattended for even a moment. If she’s engaged with several people and someone steps away, you might suddenly find all of this positive energy that she has beaming solely onto you, which has actually caught me off guard on an occasion or two! But most importantly for me, Natalie is a very present person. Maybe we were getting just a bit of special attention, but you’ll rarely if ever catch her fiddling with her phone in the presence of others, and her mind never drifts months ahead or back to months ago. She’s just present and accounted for at all times with whomever she happens to be engaged with, and that's exactly what I needed in a friend and companion. As Natalie was fully present with me, it forced me to stay fully present as well. This kept my mind from drifting to the dark and rotten places it would go on it own, and having such similar lives and so many common interests made this unthinkably easy and natural!
As for Natalie’s husband Mark, all I can say is that the man is a riot. He's one of those people without a filter that takes a certain type of person, with a certain sense of humor to be able to appreciate, and I was one of those people. On more than one occasion, my mind had been slipping back into the negative, only for Mark to say something completely off the wall funny, or he would send a funny text message that was so “out there," that it would snap me right back into the present. It would focus my mind on something far more engaging, like coming up with a witty reply or comeback! Natalie and Mark were a magical one-two combo that could keep the terrible darkness within me fully in check. It’s not that my other friends weren’t good enough. I was just in that bad of shape, had little to no control over my internal thoughts and emotions, and needed a level of friendship and companionship that was above and beyond anything else.
I'm so blessed to have found this level of friendship that I was so badly in need of with Natalie and Mark, at exactly the time I needed it the most. It quickly became the sort of friendship where you feel like you've known each other for your entire lives, despite only having known each other for a short time. The icing on the cake was that Natalie actually has a twin sister, Norma, who has the same energy and is just as amazing as she is. Natalie is everything I ever dreamed a sister ought to be, and now it was like getting a bonus sister for free! I very quickly fell in love with these two totally awesome Libra twins and their families, and they became beloved second families to me.
All together! Gearing up for a week of Spring Break 2015 fun in Orlando, while Norma was visiting with her family from Thailand.
A Huge Milestone
A year later on Martin Luther King Jr Day in 2014, our kids all had the day off from school and we had all planned to take the day off, except for Debbie who forgot! I went with the Ways to the National Air & Space Museum in Dulles, VA and spent a few hours there, and then we got lunch together on the way back. We had only planned to spend half a day together, but it was such a nice and unseasonably warm pre-spring day that we ended up hanging out at the neighborhood park during the afternoon too, and then we all got dinner together after Debbie finished up at work. This might seem like a fairly ordinary thing to do to many, but for me something hugely significant occurred on this day. It was the very first time in the three years since my cancer diagnosis that I had managed to go an entire day without even a single thought about cancer, without my wife being by my side for the whole day. It was then that I realized just what a huge blessing these friends of mine had been. Time and time again throughout this cancer journey of mine, it's been the power of the right people, and the right souls in my life at the right time, that have ended up making the biggest differences for me.
I’d wondered for the longest time over the years why we hadn’t ever met even in the grocery store right in our neighborhood in the previous six years, and the answer is because the time wasn’t right. I had contemplated suicide just weeks before we finally met, and needed the maximum benefit of the powerful new friendships that these two would provide to kick in exactly when I needed it the most. If their daughter's birthday party had been even a week prior, I simply wouldn’t have been able to go as I was in that bad of shape, and in no condition for any public appearance at all. I had zero control whatsoever over my emotions, and could be a wreck and in tears at any moment. And had I not flat out forced myself to take Will to his classmate’s birthday party even though I wasn’t feeling up for it, I’d have missed out on what has been the best and greatest friendships I’ve ever known thus far in life. Life is amazing. God winks.
Giving Thanks
Recovering from PTS after Cancer was an all-hands, all of the above effort. It took everything that I had, and everything that everybody else in my life had to help pull me out of it. It took every bit of love that my wife had for me just to keep me afloat. It took a deep commitment to self-care and self-healing, and finding healthy and productive outlets for such terrible energy I had inside. It also took great sacrifice, as my priorities and my focus in life had to change completely in order to handle this. There were people that just couldn’t be in my life anymore and that I had to say goodbye to, and others that I simply didn't have the time for anymore while having to put almost every bit of spare time and energy that I had into self-care and recovering, as I slowly nurtured my way back to good mental and physical health. I'm sorry to those that I had to leave behind. It doesn't mean that they weren't good people, they just weren't 'good for me' through this phase of my life and cancer survivorship. There were only a precious few seats for passengers on this ride, and I had to make sure that every single one of them was filled with the very best people for me. Nothing less would do, because I knew it was going to take everything to pull me out of this crisis.
Amazed how cancer community friends of mine always have a way of capturing exactly what I'm feeling, right when I need to express it. Thanks Chris Hornbeek for sharing this meme!
As for these most dear and beloved friends of mine that were able to be by my side during this crucial time in my life, none have had the physical experience or memories of helping to rescue me from my burning house. They also won't have any memories of helping me to put the flames out and then rebuilding, yet this is exactly what these friends of mine have managed to accomplish, just by being themselves. I know what I feel inside towards these friends of mine, and there is no greater love, no greater friendship, and no greater appreciation. There are simply no stronger feelings that one can feel. I don't know how to express in words exactly how strongly I feel, but it's a very deep and soulful love and appreciation that I know transcends the limits of our physical world. I'm indebted and adoring, and will love these friends of mine forever.
To my wife Debbie, my soulmate, and to my two totally awesome kids Katie and William, that never cease to put smiles on my face. To Claudia and Trish, to Amit and Richard, to Kim and Kelly, and to Natalie, Mark, and Norma. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for being the right people, and the right souls in my life, at exactly the time that I needed you. Some of you I had only just met or known for a very short time. When others had failed me or just weren't what I needed, here you were, and not only did you help to rescue me from something terrible, but you helped me to find my footing, show me the way, and rebuild my life into something truly wonderful. I consider you all to be blessings, but the gifts of your love and friendships through such a crisis is not something that I can ever hope to repay. It's a blessing that can only be paid forward to others, to the next Steve Pake who needs it. This is all for you, in the hopes that it will inspire others to be that blessing to those struggling in their own lives, and to help those struggling find their way as you've helped me to find mine. Thank you for allowing me to share our stories together. Your support of me through such a terrible ordeal and period of my life will never be forgotten ever, and my love for you all shall be eternal.
Enjoying a nice pre-Christmas dinner in December 2013, when I knew I had finally made it. I had conquered the very worst that my cancer experience had thrown my way, found a new philosophy on which to live life, and some amazing new friends to share it with. I'm brimming with energy and optimism in this photo, knowing that I was going to come back better and stronger than ever, and I did.
Continue to PTSD After Cancer Part III - Managing Life After
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"Testicular Cancer Wasn't That Bad?"
I'm amused that the ink has hardly dried on my last blog titled "There Is No Easy Cancer," only to now see an article over at GQ titled, "I Had Testicular Cancer and It Wasn't That Bad." Oh my...
March 2011, sick as a dog after my first round of chemotherapy. Look, I still had eyebrows too!
I'm amused that the ink has hardly dried on my last blog titled "There Is No Easy Cancer," only to now see an article over at GQ titled, "I Had Testicular Cancer and It Wasn't That Bad." Oh my...
I applaud Jason Kessler, who wrote the story, for being open about his cancer experience, and that his treatments including the orchiectomy and BEPx3 chemotherapy weren't overly rough on him. It's actually encouraging for people to know that yes, you can and will get through this, except that the "end" of his story is getting a clear CT scan a month after his chemotherapy had ended. One of the biggest lessons that I've learned in nearly five years of having survived a Stage II testicular cancer very similar to Mr. Kessler's, is that the end of our cancer fights are really just the beginning of our journeys. As I look back on these five years, it's so clear that fighting my cancer was the easy part - everything that came after was so much harder.
Cancer survivorship is a rude awakening for so many of us. As I wrote in "Cancer Survivorship - The Fight After the Fight," there were so many new things that I had to deal with for the first time after cancer, that I was simply unprepared to even know how to handle. I developed secondary health and severe pain issues from the harsh treatments my body had to endure. There was so much anxiety about countless follow-up scans, I've suffered from depression and post-traumatic stress, issues with testosterone levels that were swinging back and forth, terrible muscle fatigue issues, and on and on. I too had almost thought that maybe what I went through wasn't so bad at one point a year after my cancer fight, but I unknowingly had kept all of my fears and emotions about everything bottled up inside of me. It wasn't until nearly two years later that the dam had burst, and all of this finally started processing. And when it did, it hit me like a load of bricks.
All of the uncertainty, and my life constantly being up in the air every other month with the latest round of scans and blood work, broke me as a person. I couldn't live like that anymore, and had to learn how to live my life all over again. This doesn't happen overnight. It's only now that I'm about to reach nearly five years out since cancer entered my life, that I finally feel like my life really has moved on after cancer. For many, cancer survivorship isn't an easy ride even with a so-called "easy" cancer like testicular cancer. There is no easy cancer.
A word of caution is also needed about medical marijuana usage, as marijuana use can also elevate the HCG testicular cancer marker in men. I've run across a few people over the years in total freak out mode that their HCG levels came back elevated on surveillance blood work. They had been in tears thinking their cancers had returned, unaware of the possibility of this marker being elevated due to marijuana usage. It's not a good situation to be in at all. I'm actually a proponent of legalized and/or medical use for marijuana. There's something to be said about medical marijuana usage and its ability to relieve certain side-effects both during and after fighting cancer, but one needs to be aware of this possibility in the context of a discussion about testicular cancer!
There's also no guarantee that one will feel any pain if they have testicular cancer, either. You're not necessarily just going to know! You're lucky if you do, as both I and Mr. Kessler were, because it means you can catch it at an earlier stage. Testicular cancer can be a silent killer, overrunning your entire body with no symptoms at all for months, until you suddenly find yourself in the ER one day coughing up blood, or with other bizarre symptoms due to organs starting to shut down! They don't even wait to do the orchiectomy or pathology in many of these cases. They start you on chemotherapy that day, because you might not have another day left! Plenty of advanced stage testicular cancer patients never had any pain to clue them off, and this is why awareness of the disease, and testicular self-exams are so important. Pain in a testicle isn't a sure thing, but you might be able to detect an abnormal lump on your own. There are also testicular cancer cases that are extragonadal, and don't even start in the testicles at all. It's not nearly as simple as Mr. Kessler made things out to be.
I genuinely pray that Mr. Kessler has a smooth and easy ride through his survivorship years. God bless him if he does, but he would be in a slim and incredibly fortunate minority. I know quite a few testicular cancer survivors, and so many of us are blindsided by the challenges we face in our lives after cancer. I asked a group of survivor friends for feedback on this article, and very few thought that Kessler's experience was representative of what a typical testicular cancer patient goes through, and a few thought that he was in denial about some things. One caregiver friend whose son had testicular cancer, was in tears about how dismissive the article felt in the face of what she, her son, and other friends had all been through fighting this disease.
Testicular cancer continues to be a real disease that kills real people every single day. Many have lost loved ones, husbands, fathers, and sons. For these people, seeing an article like this around the holidays while trying to get on without, is painful to say the least. For the majority of us that do survive, the high cure rates tend to be of little comfort when you're the one in the hot seat with strange pains in your body, and you're worried to death about your next set of surveillance scans. The challenges of life after cancer are not to be underestimated. Should Mr. Kessler find himself in a situation after cancer that he's completely unprepared to handle, he should know that there's a sizable community of fellow young adult cancer survivors waiting in the wings to support him through whatever he needs.
StevePake.com
There Is No Easy Cancer
On at least two occasions when I've mentioned my cancer story to new friends or acquaintances that hadn't known, I've received comments that were just short of dismissive that testicular cancer is an "easy cancer", alluding to the high cure rate. I'll be honest in saying that I haven't been offended by such comments, because I know that short of having been there in some way themselves, it's simply impossible for people to truly know what a cancer diagnosis feels like, nor all that one entails.
This is what I looked like after 5 months of hell fighting cancer and getting the massive RPLND surgery. I was all bald and bloated and disgusting feeling, having gained 30 pounds from the crazy ways in which the chemotherapy had affected my body. I had never been in more physical pain, nor more uncomfortable in my entire life, but believe it or not, this was the easy part of fighting cancer.
On at least two occasions when I've mentioned my cancer story to new friends or acquaintances that hadn't known, I've received comments that were just short of dismissive that testicular cancer is an "easy cancer", alluding to the high cure rate. I'll be honest in saying that I haven't been offended by such comments, because I know that short of having been there in some way themselves, it's simply impossible for people to truly know what a cancer diagnosis feels like, nor all that one entails.
Regardless of the type of cancer and early or late stage, the fact is, cancer turns your life upside down. Especially as young adults, we have so much of our lives left to live, and we wonder if we'll ever be able to live our hopes and dreams at all. Cancer forever casts a dark cloud over us, and it's a difficult adjustment to make when we're supposed to be brimming with optimism about our futures. There was nothing easy about the five months of toxic treatments and brutal surgeries that I had to endure, to get through my Stage II cancer. There was also nothing easy about the excruciating nerve pain and chronic muscle fatigue and weakness issues that developed, all due to the toxicity of treatments. I also suffered a loss of my fertility from a surgery that helped to cure me, which wasn't easy either. Fighting cancer left my body permanently scarred in dozens of ways.
The real scars however, were those within. It's tough to go from thinking that you have your entire life in front of you, to wondering if you're still going to be a free person, or have a life to live at all if your next round of monthly scans don't come back clear. We want to be free, and we want to know that our bodies are rid of our cancers forever, but you never really know. The uncertainty can eat you alive inside, and mental health issues such as depression are common. The anxiety about cancer tends to worsen in the years after fighting, because we live our lives constantly watching over our shoulders. We worry about every little pain in our bodies, because once you've had cancer, every such pain could mean the possibility that our cancers are back.
I became so spooked that my cancer had returned at one point, that it opened the floodgates to all of the terrible emotions that I had kept locked away when I was fighting cancer. I began suffering from post-traumatic stress, which puts the feeling of panic inside of you as though your house were on fire, except you have nowhere to go, and no avenue of escape. My body had betrayed me in the most terrible of ways, cheating on me with death at such a young age. I was terrified of living in my own skin and body. I wanted to run away from it all, but how do you run away from your own body? You can't escape it, or could you?
I was hurting so badly inside, that I contemplated suicide as a means of escape. My wife needed me. My children needed me. My family and friends needed me. I didn't do it, but I had to find a way to end this pain, and doing that wasn't easy either.
It took the support of the cancer community, some wonderful friends and mentors whom I will love for the rest of my life, the unconditional love of my wife who has never left my side, my family, and my two totally awesome children to help pull me through such a terrible ordeal. Not one single aspect of what I've been through could ever be considered easy. Everything has been hard, and I've had to reinvent myself and my life three times over since my cancer fight ended, all from an "easy" earlier stage "good risk" cancer with a 95% cure rate. A high cure rate is wonderful, but finding my way through these past five years after cancer have been the hardest five years of my life.
There is no easy cancer.
StevePake.com
PTSD After Cancer Part I - What It Feels Like
I thought I had been doing so well after cancer. I had a new job and was back to life and living, but little did I know just how wounded I was inside. The stress of cancer survivorship started getting the better of me. A cancer warrior friend had died, and other friends of mine were experiencing recurrences. I had strange pains in my body, and thought for sure that my cancer was back, and that I was next. I had done so well for so long, but was so spooked and simply fell to pieces just short of two years after my cancer diagnosis.
This is the first of a three-part series of essays about posttraumatic stress after cancer, what it felt like to experience, coping and overcoming, and all that I've done to manage life after. For a top level overview of these essays, please visit my PTSD After Cancer landing page.
PTSD Part 1 - What It Feels Like
Forget about how afraid you were the first time you heard the words “you have cancer.” When you’re first diagnosed with cancer, at least you have a very long to-do list of tests and scans and various doctor’s appointments to keep you occupied. The worst thing about post-traumatic stress after cancer is that you can have all of those same terrible fears, yet you have no idea what in the hell you’re supposed to do with yourself. You have no doctor’s appointments to go to, and no treatments to receive, but you’re left with all of this terrible freewheeling energy that just burns you up inside.
The best way to illustrate what post-traumatic stress (PTS) can feel like is with an example. Somewhere out there on the Internet, there’s a list of movies that have been compiled where the characters have suffered from PTS. I’m not particularly big on Hollywood movies, but I’d seen some of these movies, and while the characters themselves may have suffered from PTS, there was little to no depiction of that in the movies themselves. The best movie example I’ve ever seen of PTS is 1982’s Firefox, starring Clint Eastwood. Eastwood’s character, Major Mitchell Gant, is a Vietnam veteran who suffers from PTS episodes throughout the movie, and which becomes a critical part of the plot line when you’re left wondering if he’ll be able to make it through key points in the movie while in the midst of PTS breakdowns. Throughout the movie, viewers are given a visual depiction of what’s going through his mind through each episode. Ejecting out of his fighter over the jungle in Vietnam, being tortured and abused as a POW by his captors, and a rescue scene where almost everyone is killed with a gatling gun blazing from a friendly Sea Stallion helicopter. An innocent young girl that had just given him a sympathetic smile moments before, is vaporized in the next by a napalm bomb as she tried to flee.
The opening scene of Paramount's 1982 spy-thriller Firefox, and one of many depictions of PTSD throughout the movie.
I remember watching this movie as a kid, and wondering why he didn’t just stop thinking about such things if they were so painful for him. Never in my life did I expect to know the answer, because you can’t.
PTS episodes aren’t part of our conscious thought process, but rather sub-conscious and instinctual. You have no conscious control. A sight, a sound, a smell, or something or someone can remind us of a traumatic event in our lives, and it triggers our defensive instincts. We’re suddenly on high alert, and have so much adrenaline running through us. In the opening scene of the Firefox movie, all of those classic defensive instincts are on display, and set the tone for the whole movie. The Air Force flies out to see Major Gant about an important mission that they think he alone is capable of. They fly out in a CH-53 Sea Stallion helicopter, of the same type that he had a traumatic memory of in Vietnam. All it takes is the distinctive sound of that specific type of helicopter approaching before he can even see it, to instantly trigger his defensive instincts. He had been out for a jog, but goes into a full run, as if running for his life back to his cabin, and then hides and prepares himself to fight with his shotgun. The painful memories and flashbacks take hold, and he’s right back in Vietnam again reliving his terrible war experiences. Being mainly a visual medium, movies have to convey an experience visually, but a PTS episode isn’t necessarily a visual experience. They can simply be overwhelming and unexplained feelings of dread or danger, with no such visual sequence to clue you off as to what you're actually spooked about. The eerie musical effects in the Firefox movie help to convey the emotional feel of a PTS episode.
What Triggered My PTSD
When I was first diagnosed with cancer back in February of 2011, I was already facing the rejection of a job loss at the end of 2010, victim of another mass layoff in the tech sector, and then suddenly being isolated from people that I had considered friends for the past few years. All of the strange pains in my right testicle started a month or two after, followed by my cancer diagnosis. It was a terrible situation to be in, having both lost a job and then being diagnosed with cancer, and I felt like I was being kicked while I was down. These were the external events that were encompassing my mind around the time of my cancer diagnosis. Strange pains, job worries, sudden isolation from friends, all of which lead to cancer.
At the end of 2012, things were so similar. I suddenly had strange pains all over my body again, eerily similar to the pains I had experienced when I was first diagnosed with cancer. When you're a cancer survivor and you have strange pains in your body, all you can think is that your cancer is back, and that you're going to be sucked backed into the hell of fighting cancer again. Strike one. I had found another job while fighting cancer that I had been working at for over a year, but a major project I had been working on was suddenly canceled, and I couldn’t help but have job worries again. Strike two. Elsewhere in life, I had a terrible falling out with a friend, and no longer felt the least bit comfortable leaning on an entire circle of friends for support when I needed it the most. Strike three. Everything I had felt and experienced around the time of my cancer diagnosis, I was suddenly feeling again. Strange pains, job worries, sudden isolation from friends. It was all so eerie, and I was getting so spooked, and then things just got worse.
A cancer warrior friend of mine had just died, and then there was the terrible Sandy Hook shooting in which so many innocent children were killed. A pistol cartridge was then found on the grounds of my own children's school, and I couldn't help but think that they were next. I had just taken professional photos of a ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery for a high school friend's father that had passed away earlier in the year. To this day, these are some of the most powerful and moving photos I've ever taken as a photographer, but now I had fresh images of death and a family mourning the loss of a loved one floating around in my head. Strikes four, five, and six!
There were so many bad omens both in my life and elsewhere in the world. It was so bad, and I started coming off the tracks. I could have handled one or even multiple examples of these awful external stimuli and stayed afloat, but to be hit from all sides at once was simply devastating and traumatic. I felt threatened and surrounded by death and destruction on all sides, and like my whole world was crumbling again. The pains in my body weren't going away and were only getting worse. I was terrified, and so distressed about life that I had been crying myself to sleep each night. I feared that I had just lived my last good days, and that this was it. I was all but certain that my cancer was back, and wondered what the hell I was going to tell my family as my next surveillance appointment loomed, just days before Christmas in 2012.
My innocence about fighting cancer was gone. I knew just what a brutal and miserable life experience fighting cancer was. I knew how bad a recurrence could be, and that I might not emerge out the other end. I was nearly two years out from my diagnosis, and my body still hadn’t come even close to recovering fully. I constantly felt so weak, and feared that my body would just immediately collapse under the strain of more chemotherapy or radiation, or whatever it was that I was going to need. I worried that it wasn't cancer that would kill me, but the harsh treatments needed to fight it that would. I hated my body, I hated feeling so weak, and I hated how it made me so afraid. I just wanted to run away, but you can't run away from your own body. I was terrified just of living in my own skin.
Alas, my appointments came and went, and everything was clear. I told my doctors what had been going on, and out of due diligence a few extra tests were even run for good measure. Blood tests, chest x-ray, and even a scrotal ultrasound was done, all of which were fine. It was nothing. My body was perfectly normal, and even the strange pains I had been feeling went away a day or so after these tests. It was all in my head.
Deep inside I was relieved, but I was absolutely traumatized by everything, all over again. From the start of my treatments until I was nearly two years from diagnosis, I hardly batted an eye. I kept a brave face on, and was just a warrior through months of chemotherapy and brutal surgeries for the sake of my family, and now it was all coming out. All was fine with my body physically, but mentally and emotionally the floodgates had opened. Every fear I hadn’t felt, and every worry I hadn’t expressed in the preceding two years just started pouring out, and I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to do with myself. These are the terrible mind games that cancer plays with you. My body was fine, but I had just died spiritually inside.
The Clinical Symptoms for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Symptoms for PTS are grouped into three categories. First there are re-experiencing symptoms such as flashbacks, bad dreams, or frightening thoughts. There are also avoidance symptoms such as wanting to stay away from places or things that might remind you of your experience, along with feeling emotionally numb, or depression, and losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past. The last category of symptoms for PTS are hyperarousal symptoms such as being easily startled, feeling tense or on edge, or having difficulty sleeping. If symptoms persist for more than a few weeks, it might be PTSD.
Yes. Everything. All of the above. I lit up the full list of symptoms like a Christmas tree, every single one of them, almost every single day for the better part of 6 weeks, and off and on throughout most of 2013. The most difficult year of my cancer experience wasn't the physical fight against cancer in 2011, it was the emotional fallout after cancer that finally hit me hard in 2013. Although PTSD is more commonly experienced immediately after a traumatic event, it's not uncommon for it to come to the surface months or even years after a traumatic event or life experience as it did with me.
Life In The Midst of Post-Traumatic Stress
On a typical morning when I was suffering from post-traumatic stress, I couldn't start my day until I stepped into the shower and had a good cry for 10-15 minutes. I was so afraid and felt so threatened, not just by cancer, but by everything and everyone around me. I was so tired of my situation, living my life month to month between scans and feeling like there was no end in sight. I felt like I was living my life with a gun constantly pointed at my head, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't go on like this. I couldn't do this anymore, and wanted out! I begged and pleaded to God to keep me safe and free from cancer. I feared being taken from my children and leaving them without a father. I didn't think it was possible to hurt this badly inside, to be having multiple breakdowns per day, every single day for over a month, and living in a state of complete fear.
After this morning ritual of weeping and praying in the shower, I’d pull myself together and get myself and our kids ready for the day. During this period of time, I was handling all morning drop offs at our daycare. I would hug them each goodbye, and sometimes the tears were already starting to flow again before I made it back to my car to head to work. As everybody else was casually heading out the door for yet another typical day without a care or worry, it was taking me every bit of courage that I had just to set foot out of my front door. I felt like I was stepping into a fire fight within a war zone, unarmed, defenseless, and completely vulnerable. My defensive instincts were in overdrive. Everything and everyone around me felt like a potential threat that I needed to protect myself from. I felt like I needed to run away, but to where? What was I running from? I was still cancer free, and my body was healthy!
Once I got to work, I would sometimes cry a little bit more in a quiet corner where no one was likely to find me, and then just tried to focus on whatever I needed to do that day. One day, my thoughts were so bad that I just couldn’t be at work. I had a visual sequence playing through my mind not unlike the Firefox movie sequence, and just couldn’t get it out of my head. The misery of fighting chemotherapy, and the wind blowing through the trees on a beautiful spring day made blurry by the fog of chemo. The feeling of my body struggling through another round of chemotherapy, with my heart rate hitting 160 just to get up to go to the bathroom, and blacking out if I stood up for more than 30 seconds. My body couldn’t keep up, and felt like it was getting ready to pack up and die. That’s a memory that I could stand to live without, “so this is what it feels like when you’re dying,” but that feeling and that visual kept playing over and over again in my head. Another part of the sequence was the last few minutes before I went down for my RPLND surgery, seeing all of the terrifying tools in the operating room, and then the first few minutes after I woke up, and learning soon thereafter that I had nearly died when my vena cava was torn. They kept me under an extra 12 hours because I had lost 5 units of blood and nearly bled out, and it was too dangerous to wake me up. I nearly became a statistic fighting cancer the first time, which lead to such dreadful thoughts about having to fight it again if my cancer came back. All of the most painful or terrifying moments from my 5 months of hell fighting cancer just kept playing over and over in my head, just like how the Firefox movie depicted. I had kept all of these fears and emotions buried, but the recurrence scare I had suffered brought them all the the surface.
My mind was so overwhelmed with negative thoughts and energy that I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t anymore, so I was afraid of everything and everybody unless I knew without a doubt 110% that you were on my team. Everybody else just had to get the hell out of my life for awhile, and in some cases permanently. I felt like ‘Death’ was making his rounds, had me on his radar screen, and that I was next. My anxiety was so out of control that I had to take Ativan just to get myself calmed down enough to even be functional, but I hated Ativan. It made me feel loopy, and gave a euphoric false calm. I quickly gave up on the Ativan, and went with a half or full glass of red wine in the mornings instead, which took the sharp edge off these feelings. There are more than a few days when I rolled into work semi-intoxicated, but I was just trying to survive, and doing the best I could. I became completely withdrawn, and didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything except with those I had the utmost faith and trust in.
Everything about my life changed when I was diagnosed with cancer, and now everything was changing all over again when I started experiencing post-traumatic stress after cancer. I couldn't even go out to lunch with my new co-workers anymore. I loved them all and they helped me to feel normal again after cancer. Just having co-workers again and money to be able to go out for lunch was an amazing thing to experience after what I had been through. Cancer survivors take nothing for granted! But when post-traumatic stress kicked in, it created such a huge contrast between myself and others that just made me feel so abnormal. As they talked so casually about the news, sports, weather, or things going on in their lives, I was sweating out my next set of scans, stressing if they would be clear or not, and if I was going to live or die. A co-worker might mention something they wanted to do in a few years, but I was just worried about having a life to live at all through the next month! Oh, how I longed to be able to chat so casually about things and be so carefree! I loved these guys and still do, but just couldn’t be around them during this time. The same colleagues that had initially brought me so much comfort were now adding to my distress, simply because of the huge contrast between all of their lives and mine. I was so frustrated and disheartened, and just ended up feeling so awkward and out of place with people that I had come to love and enjoy the company of. I wasn't normal at all. I was in such a different place in life.
Just driving my car to go anywhere was terrifying while experiencing PTS, because I felt like every oblivious idiot on the road not paying attention was gunning for me personally. I still remember when one person turned across traffic in front of me a bit too close for comfort, and my whole body clenched up as if this was it. I realized how badly I had lost it when I actually caught myself ducking and sitting so low in my seat while driving around one day, as if an assassin were waiting for me at the next corner, ready to open fire as soon as they spotted me. This is how you feel when experiencing PTS, threatened at all times, on guard at all times, hyperaware of everything, and having to shape up everything around you as a potential threat.
This wasn't me. It was my sub-conscious mind recognizing external patterns from around the time of my cancer diagnosis, relating them to similar external events that I was experiencing at that time, and then pulling everything together on me. Sub-consciously my mind had made the associations without my knowledge, equated past patterns with the present, and thus feared that the worst possible dreadful things were about to happen! Run! Hide! Fight! This is bad! Get the hell away from whatever this is! Don't you see?? Do something!!!
I knew and understood consciously that this was all nonsense as I curled up in corners in tears day after day, but it's how my body and my sub-conscious mind was responding. It was the worst tug-of-war game between the conscious and sub-conscious minds. I knew things were okay, but my sub-conscious mind was panicking, trying to get me to run away, and going into meltdown mode because I had nowhere to go. I couldn't NOT be afraid. I had no conscious control, and was scared shitless for six solid weeks, and off and on throughout most of 2013. Post-traumatic stress is an entirely instinctual and sub-conscious response to just get the hell out of Dodge. But where do you go? Where was I supposed to run to? I wanted to run away, but had nowhere to run to, and just felt trapped.
Hitting Rock Bottom
One of the worst things about post-traumatic stress is just how ashamed and worthless I felt. I was so afraid, but didn’t know or understand why. I was two years out from my cancer diagnosis when I was getting hit with PTS hard. Despite the scare I had had, all scans and tests came out clear. My odds of recurrence were down to less than 1%, yet I was more afraid than I had ever been in my life. My thoughts were almost entirely consumed by cancer, painful memories, worries and fears, and the defensive instincts to just run or hide. I was too afraid to be alone, yet afraid to really be with anyone all at the same time. I was failing as a husband, and failing as a father. I couldn't even enjoy a sweet moment with my family without it being interrupted by the voices of demons in my head. "This will be the last time... You'll never enjoy this again..."
Rational thoughts didn’t matter. Ask any cancer survivor, and no matter how good their odds are or how little their chances of a cancer recurrence are, we all feel like it’s a 50/50 affair at best. A coin toss. It was more like 99/1 for me of being permanently cured, but that wasn’t good enough. These are rational and logical things, but post-traumatic stress is irrational, illogical, instinctual, and emotional. I just wanted this to be over and done with! I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare, but it was no nightmare. This was my real life. I had never felt so isolated and alone in my life, and didn't know how to make so many terrifying thoughts stop.
I knew I had hit rock bottom when I contemplated suicide.
I knew I had hit rock bottom when I contemplated suicide as a way to get these terrible instincts to let go. I didn't know how to make it stop, but knew that would do it. I was done with this and ready to give it all up. I felt myself teetering on the edge of oblivion, and had not an ounce of strength in the entire fiber of my being to stop myself from falling, I was that broken. I had done so well and had held it together for so long, but my cancer experience finally broke me in the most terrible of ways when I was ready to give everything up, simply as a means to end the attacks not of cancer cells invading my body, but of the terrible demons that had been flooding my mind.
Being Lifted Up and Carried By Love
Do you know what it feels like to be letting go of life, only to feel yourself being lifted up rather than falling after you let go? It’s something that I hope no one I know personally ever has to experience, yet is simultaneously one of the most loving and uplifting feelings that I’ve ever felt in my life. My wife, my soulmate, got into my mind in a way that only a soulmate could, pledging to love me forever no matter what, and that she would go to the ends of the earth for me if that’s what it took. She could have run away, and she could have given up and left. I know the thought had crossed her mind, but she never gave up on me, and never left my side, and finally found a way to get through to me. She got inside of my mind and beat these terrible demons off of me at a time when I was unable to fight back anymore. She found this song by Jason Mraz, "I Won't Give Up", and shared it with me as the perfect expression of her love.
I felt just like the scarred and battered soldier in the video. I felt so broken and worthless, but there was his beautiful woman by his side, who was never going to leave him as her love was unconditional. Imagine feeling pain so unbearable that you're ready to end your life just to make it stop in one moment, yet feeling the joy of such extreme and unconditional love lifting you up in the next. There aren't the words in the English language to describe how this felt. It was the feeling of going down in flames in a terrible death spiral and dying inside, yet the feeling of being reborn and renewed with such loving and positive energy at the same exact time, by angels and the unconditional love of a soulmate. I had never cried so intensely in my life in the last few days of January 2013. Extreme tears of pain and sorrow in one moment at having been ready to give everything up, but equally extreme, blissful tears of unconditional love and joy in the next lifting you up, and overpowering everything. My wife's love, and the way she found to deliver it, was the perfect message and expression of love that I needed to hear, at exactly the time I needed to hear it. I had let go inside, but my soulmate, surrounded by a few other angels, lifted me up with everything she had, and in that moment my demons were defeated. Six weeks of savagery in my mind were over. Love won.
It was the beginning of February 2013 now. The Superbowl had just wrapped up. Emotionally, I had missed the entirety of the holidays, most of December 2012, and all of January 2013. What was supposed to have been the happiest time of the year had been entirely consumed by and lost to PTSD after cancer. I felt just like Clint Eastwood's character in Firefox the entire time, but was happy that these terrible defensive instincts that lurk within all of us had finally relaxed their death grip on me. I no longer felt like my life was in danger, and the loaded gun pointing at my head was finally gone. I was so emotionally blown out that I just felt numb and shell-shocked in the days that followed. I still didn't even know what had hit me, but knew I had fallen so far, so fast. I thought I had been doing so well, but the inner world of my mind was shattered into a million pieces, and I was nothing but smoldering wreckage inside. I was absolutely wrecked, and a shell of a human being. This was my emotional ground zero after cancer. It didn't happen during cancer, nor in the months after my cancer fight had ended, but rather two years after my diagnosis.
The climb back up seemed impossible, but I felt surrounded by loving energy and knew that I could do it if I tried. It wasn't my time to go yet. My wife needed me, my family needed me, and I still had work to do here in this realm. Inspired by the love and energy that surrounded me, I started what would be my year long climb back up in February of 2013.
I had thought I was past everything, only to realize I was still at the beginning, and had so far to go.
My angel, my soulmate, and the one I get to call my wife. My God, what a blessing. Photo taken in June of 2013 at Rehoboth Beach a few months after this madness. I was still hurting so badly inside and feeling so raw from the whole experience. I didn't know it at the time, but I was finally starting to find my way.
Continue to PTSD After Cancer Part II - Coping and Overcoming
StevePake.com
Hiking Old Rag Mountain - October 2015
Old Rag Mountain is one of the most popular hikes in the entire mid-Atlantic region, and also one of the most strenuous and spectacular. It peaks at 3291 feet, has a total elevation gain of 2500 feet from parking lot to peak, and includes nearly a mile of rock scrambling to get to the top. It's an extremely challenging hike, but worth it for all of the spectacular views.
My long time friend Amit got me into hiking back in 2013, and I immediately took to it. Loved the fresh air, loved the change of scenery, and a great workout! We had wanted to hike Old Rag Mountain since 2013, and he'd wanted to hike it since as early as 2011. It's one of the most popular hikes in the entire mid-Atlantic region, and also one of the most strenuous and spectacular. It peaks at 3291 feet, has a total elevation gain of 2500 feet from parking lot to peak, and includes nearly a mile of rock scrambling to get to the top. It's an extremely challenging hike, but worth it for all of the spectacular views.
Last year came and went, and we just never got around to setting a date, but it was just as well. Having done this hike now, I can tell you with certainty that my body simply wouldn't have been able to make it even last year, as it just hadn't healed and recovered enough yet from all that it had been through. I had still been dealing with daily muscle fatigue and weakness issues, and struggled to get through each and every day. These were after-effects of the chemotherapy that I had gone through back in 2011 while fighting testicular cancer, and the extensive nerve damage that resulted. It's only because of my relentless focus on exercise over the past few years, in particular running, that my body has finally made the full recovery that it has and then some, and that I was able to do this hike.
Even today, having done this hike while in the best shape of my life, I struggled. The biggest challenge for me besides trying to figure out how to fit my 6'3" carcass through some challenging portions of the rock scrambling, was the fact that I was just plain out of breathe starting around 2500 feet. Your body is used to all of the oxygen down around 800 feet where you start from, but the air gets noticeably thinner as you climb. I had to pause for a few minutes at several points just to catch my breathe, but we finally made it! We started from the lower parking lot at 8:15am, and hit the summit at 11:45am, three and a half hours. That included plenty of stops for photos and selfies, so all in all we made pretty good time. Total hike time was five and a half hours.
A whole mountain view of Old Rag, from Skyline Drive in Shenandoah National Park.
It turns out that the smartest thing we did, per the advice of hikers on the Facebook Shenandoah National Park Hikers group, was to just take a day off and go during the week. Not only was the weather absolutely perfect, but the trail was clear! There was always a group a ways ahead of us, and another somewhat behind us, but not once did it ever feel crowded, which allowed us to just take in the mountain, and the spectacular fall foliage and scenery.
This is what Old Rag looked like that weekend!!!!!!!!!!!
So yeah... It was totally worth it to take a day off during the week, especially during peak times like this.
Camera Gear: While I'd have loved to have saved the weight and brought my much smaller and lighter Nikon AW1 cameras, these have fallen out of favor with me for landscape type photos like these. They work exceptionally well for the action and rugged/waterproof photography for which they're designed, but the little 1" sensor just lacks the acuity needed to grab fine details. I've heard you can get better results if you shoot in RAW and this and that, but I'd rather just use a more suitable tool. The other critical issue with the Nikon 1 system cameras is that the flash performance is extremely poor. 1/60s flash sync outdoors is useless, and the flash just doesn't have the power needed. In midday sun with deep shadows on people's faces, you need effective fill flash to get nice looking people photos. So what did I bring?
I brought my new Canon 7D Mark II, along with an extremely lightweight EF-S 10-18mm ultra-wide lens, and then my 24-105mm f/4L IS lens for wide-normal to telephoto shots. I had to switch lenses a lot, way more than I would have preferred, but the combination of the great image quality and powerful and effective fill flash just with the little pop-up flash, made it worth lugging all the way up this mountain. I've had trouble getting accurate focus with the EF-S 10-18mm lens, but was sure to use AI-Focus and the Single Point autofocus mode this time, not wanting to mess up these photos, and didn't have any issues. Just my usual out-of-camera JPEGs with Auto Enhancing in Apple's Aperture. That's how I roll.
I used my trusty ThinkTank Retrospective 5 bag, which is always my bag of choice. It's literally travelled the world with me, and now it's also climbed mountains! It's just big enough to carry what you need, never gets in your way, and the rugged build of the bag along with tons of padding came in handy on the trail.
Very pleased, and I hope you enjoy the photos.
To learn more about hiking and how to get started, check out The Foolproof Guide to Hiking for Beginners by my friends at MyOpenCountry.
View the Old Rag Gallery page directly at the link.
Old Rag Mountain Gallery page
Coping With the Uncertainty of Cancer
My friend lamented about the damage cancer had already done to her, and how it had reshaped her life and robbed her of so much joy despite never having had it. She wondered how someone who actually had cancer could even begin to cope with so much uncertainty.
This is how.
A friend of mine has really been struggling lately. She lost her brother to cancer a few years ago, and he would have turned 31 on October 28th, the day after my own birthday. Cancer runs in my friend's family. She's already lost numerous other family members to cancer so early in life, and many of them living today have also tested positive genetically that makes a particular type of cancer almost inevitable. My friend, however, did not test positive for this particular cancer linked gene to her great relief, but which has also brought out terrible 'survivor's guilt' feelings in full force. Where there's so much love there's also transference, and I know she feels the cancer related fears of her family members as her own, in addition to still having other cancer scares of her own!
A snippet of our exchange, posted with permission.
DLG: I'm so happy that you have come through to the other side of your ordeal. I think of people like you and my brother everyday. I can't even begin to imagine. I'm terrified just to get in your heads for a minute. I just had a moment an hour ago. I've been waiting for biopsy reports for two moles I had removed (I've had many atypical moles removed over the years and both my dad and my sis have had skin cancer). Of course I leave the house without my phone to drop the kids off at school and doc calls. No message. Heart pounding, worst thoughts as I wait on hold. Doc is on phone with another patient. I cry, think of [my husband] and the kids over and over and cry some more. Finally, nurse hears my desperation (okay, full on heart attack, hysteria) and gets the okay to tell me mole on back is moderately abnormal but all margins are clear. No cancer. First thing I thought of, besides [my husband] and the kids and my thankfulness to God....my brother, my siblings and family members who have the stupid fucking [withheld] gene, you and people like you, all the people who won't get the same call as me.
I do need to work on the survivors guilt, when's my luck up, I'm next, mentality. It's very hard. Because I've been faced with so much death at a young age, I believe it has me always looking over my shoulder. And especially when I "dodged" the faulty gene bullet. I know I'm always thinking "okay, this is it, brace yourself". I did it this morning. I have to work on that. It's not a healthy not happy way to live.
I'm so grateful and I'm so sorry that you ever had to go through what you did and are still going through. Keep writing, for you and for all of us. Keep telling us so we don't forget for one second what it could be like. People get complacent. You know the danger in that. Keep telling them, because every time I read your posts I get perspective and empathy. I never want to be anything but grateful to be here. Thanks for the e-hug. Sending one back!
My friend lamented about the damage cancer had already done to her, and how it had reshaped her life and robbed her of so much joy despite never having had it. She wondered how someone who actually had cancer could even begin to cope with so much uncertainty.
This is how.
1. Accept
Accept that you have no control. My friend has never actually have cancer, so it's not actually cancer that's terrorizing her life, but rather the uncertainty and complete lack of control that cancer is presenting that's doing so. We all want to believe that we have so much control over our lives, but when you hear or even fear those words, "you have cancer", it takes all of that away. In a moment life can change, and someone that you love and care about can be taken from you. It matters not whether it's cancer, a disease, or a terrible accident or tragedy, as these are all things we fear and have no control over. We wrestle in our minds over the belief that we actually have control, but it's a losing battle when the circumstances of life prove irrefutably that we don't.
I know what it feels like to hear those terrible three words, "you have cancer", and just how quickly and easily it all happened. Having been there, I'd been torn apart inside at the fear of something happening to others in my family. I wanted to believe so badly that I had some ability to control life or protect them, but you have no defense against such things. As life progressed after cancer through my survivorship years, through recurrence scares when I thought for sure "this was it" and that I was going to die, through depression and post-traumatic stress, and through the deaths of numerous cancer warrior brothers who did die, I finally came to the realization and full acceptance that we have no real control in life. It had been an illusion all along. It was a tough pill to swallow, but enough tears helped to finally finally wash this terribly painful lesson down.
We have no control. This is how life really is.
Once you fully accept and buy into this complete lack of control in life, what would you do? What changes would you make in your life to adjust for to this new reality?
2. LIVE
Live, love, laugh, and enjoy life like crazy. Fully accepting that anybody you love can be taken from you at any moment is what unlocks your ability to love them, enjoy them, and appreciate them like crazy everyday. Tell someone in your life that you love them for the first time, if you've been afraid. What are you waiting for? Tomorrow could be too late. Tell a friend how much you love and appreciate them, the difference that they've made for you, and how much you've appreciated their presence in your life. Laugh together, cry together, and let the tears flow. Bond, love, embrace, and enjoy such a moment together. Say that you're sorry to someone that you know you've hurt, and offer forgiveness to those that had really hurt you. You know all of those things you might do when you're on your death bed, those last words and last wishes? Why wait until that point? Do this today while you're still living. Free your heart and soul of such pain and resentment. Why carry this through life? Don't be afraid. Release such terrible feelings so that you can live life fully today.
When I wake up in the morning, I have such incredibly powerful puppy dog like feelings of love and adoration for a wife that's really been there for me. My God, what a blessing and what a gift to have in life. I love her and appreciate her like crazy every day, and I always try my best to show it. When I drop my kids off at school in the morning, I give them a hug, and I really hug them. Will something terrible happen to them today? Everyday I pray no, but I hug them as if the answer could be yes, because I know that it could be. My God, do I love my children. Such beautiful young souls that I've been blessed with, and I just love taking every bit of them in. And from there, I'm just getting warmed up.
Make plans, go places, do things, with your family, with your friends, or anyone that you love, and whose presence you've appreciated in your life. Keep a full schedule, and never let a moment go to waste. I've never really lived life like I was dying, but there was a period of time when that's about how my life felt, and is pretty much how we lived. If my time was really coming, I wanted to live the best possible life that I could in the time that I had left. We haven't ever really stopped, and found some friends for life while in the process. One weekend we're up in the mountains, the next weekend we're at the beach, and the following weekend we're enjoying a fantastic dinner at some swanky place down in DC with beloved friends, living and enjoying and cherishing every second of it.
Heaven is not a place but a state. Create your heaven on Earth by living and loving in your life like crazy today. Release all of the pain from your soul, and fill it up with love and joy instead.
3. believe
All of the fantastic trip and vacay photos, and all of the smiles, the love, and the laughter that friends have seen have all been real. We've been living and loving and enjoying life to the max, but most have never had any idea of just how much I had still been hurting inside, because I was still so afraid. What if something happens? What if my next scans don't come out clear? What if I don't make it? What's next? What's at the end? What do I even believe in?
I'm so blessed to have had numerous friends looking out for me spiritually, who invited me to their churches when they knew I had been struggling. You have to believe in something, and not knowing what I believed in was the source of a lot of fear and anxiety within me. I grew up in a Christian church-going household, but I never felt the essence of the religion in my heart and soul. Organized religions haven't ever worked for me, and I saw and felt the conflicts in all of them. I felt torn between my Christianity by birth and my wife's Buddhism, part of the challenge of a multi-cultural household. Which was the path forward? What was I supposed to believe in?
The answer is, whatever you feel in your heart.
My wife and I have both seen and experienced things in our lives and over our 19 years together that have been suggestive of what comes next, that something or someone is out there watching over us, and that there is something next. I knew what I felt and believed inside, but it wasn't aligned with any major religion, and didn't know how to connect all of the dots together. It was the fascinating story and experiences of cancer survivor and author Anita Moorjani, who died of her cancer but was able to come back, that finally helped me to connect all of those dots. She had felt the same things, and had felt torn in her life in the same ways! I wasn't alone after all, and no longer felt "wrong" or conflicted for believing in what I did. I don't think I believe in something today, I know I believe in something.
It matters not weather my beliefs fully align with any major religion or not. It's my spiritual journey, it's what I feel, and it's what I believe in, and it's brought me great comfort. If you have any beliefs such as these, bring them all in so that they can help to heal you, and take away another layer of this anxiety. Finally being able to affirm what I believed in took the wind out of the sails of my fears of death, of my cancer coming back, and is what has allowed me to finally live my life without fear, and without apology.
4. Lather, Rinse, Repeat
This takes time, and it takes practice. It's not so easy to give up on beliefs that we've held dear for potentially decades of our lives. You can't half-ass any of this. You can't kind of accept that we have no control, you can't kind of live, and you can't kind of believe. You have to go ALL IN with all of it, because it's only full acceptance at one step that enables the next. It's only fully accepting and embracing the fact that we have no control that releases your mind from the struggle of fighting for the illusion of such control in the first place. When you cut free every last thread of these old beliefs, suddenly your mind is free and fully focused on the moment, when it's made to understand that there might not be a next one.
In my years after cancer, I had to give up on the belief that I would age gracefully, that I would make it to the big milestones in life such as turning 40, 50, and beyond, seeing my kids grow up, and walking my daughter down the aisle. Retirement? As a young adult cancer survivor, that cloud over our heads never really goes away. Because I had cancer once, I'm at elevated risk for all sorts of other cancers. Because I went through very toxic treatments to cure my cancer, even that elevates my risk for other cancers. My mind was fighting to hold onto the belief that I would live a healthy life, but I had to let go of that. There were too many risks, and too many pitfalls. I knew it might not be true for me. I cut that last thread that my mind was holding onto away. You panic and free fall for awhile, but eventually you find your footing, and gain a new approach and new philosophy by which you're going to live your life.
Step 1. I'm not healthy, I might not make it to even 40, I might not get to see my kids grow up or walk my daughter down the aisle. I have no control over this. What do you do? Step 2. Live, love, laugh, and enjoy life like crazy today. Never let a day or a moment go to waste. Step 3. Believe, in something. Relax about what comes next. Worrying about what comes next takes away from our abilities to enjoy today. We're here to enjoy life. It's only going all in, accepting, living, and believing, that allows you to maximize your potential in life, and to create your heaven on Earth.
Keep repeating.
Life asked death, “why do people love me but hate you?”, death responded, “because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.”
A cancer survivor friend of mine, Mark De Raismes, found this quote a gave it quite a bit of thought. This is what he had to say.
"I'm reminded almost daily of friends that have lost loved ones way too soon. I'm reminded almost daily of those I care about that have faced or are facing that painful truth. I remember clearly facing that truth myself. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here except maybe, live people. Truly try your best to really live. I think it's only a beautiful lie if you ignore the painful truth, and the truth is only painful if you ignore it." - MDR
This is brilliant, and I couldn't agree more. I didn't want to believe this painful truth about life, but fully accepting it is what has made my life more beautiful than its ever been.
Dedicated to my friend, DLG.
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